Zenestex.com

A Little Slice of Chocolate Covered Orange Love

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 23:46:00 -0400

Life is full of epiphanies and turning points. Some small, innocuous, and seemingly insignificant moment can be a catalyst for the opening of whole new avenues of opportunity for some lucky—or unlucky—soul. Eating a Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory chocolate covered orange slice was not one of these moments. A true food-inspired epiphany in my life came courtesy of the restaurant Applebees. A few years ago, we went there for dinner one night and I ordered the Oriental Chicken Wrap. I was completely floored when I bit into the utter perfection that was the Oriental Chicken Wrap. It was cold, yet hot. Crunchy, yet soft. Vegetabley, yet full of chicken. Most of all, it was sweet. That dinner could be sugary-sweet completely turned my world upside down.

I Hate Snow!

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 17:46:00 -0400

Forgive the indulgence. I make a point of it not to turn Zenestex.com into my own personal venting forum—like some acne infested teenager’s MySpace blog. But, this morning I simply couldn’t resist. Here are my thoughts from when we were in a holding pattern above Dulles Airport in Washington, DC waiting for the blizzard to blow over. Again, my apologies for the ranting. If it bothers you, think of it instead as homage to the Seinfeld episode where Elaine was trapped in a subway car.

The Ten Dollar Air(or)

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 05:46:00 -0400

As part of my biweekly, ritual self-torture known as Circuit Training, I usually stop at a convenience store on the way to the track to pick up a Gatorade and protein brownie to get me through the anguish of the workout. It’s about this point that I would go on a tangent and exalt the glory of the protein brownie, but now is not the time. I’m here to tell you about air. Canned air. No, not air in a can for cleaning your computer. Nope, this is air for human consumption. Can is to air as bottle is to water. Canned air. They sell it. I bought it. Air. Big Ox's Citrus Blast of Oxygen.

June 2008 Top Ten Hottest Celebrity Chicks

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 05:46:00 -0400

I can hardly believe that it has been over six months since I wrote a Top Ten article; time is just starting to fly by. I’m just getting old, I suppose. There were a few glaring mistakes made in the previous Top Ten list, notably the removal of Jessica Alba from the top slot and the incomprehensible omission of Grace Park from the list entirely. Both of those mistakes are corrected here for what I believe is my best Top Ten list ever. The June 2008 edition features actresses, international superstars, singers, cage fighters, and Jessica Alba. And honestly, that’s really all that matters, right?

Introducing: Girl Of The Day!

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 05:46:00 -0400

I am pleased to introduce a new feature to Zenestex.com: The Girl Of The Day!! The GOTD is the brainchild of our very own Security Gawd. It started off innocently; Security Gawd would email me a few images of a chick, maybe a little info about her, and I would typically give her a 0-10 rating. Eventually, he started sending me these emails on a daily basis. One day he didn’t send one and I asked, “Hey where’s my girl of the day?” And thus it was born. Soon thereafter, Berto and then other recipients were added to the Senders list and GOTD took on a life of its own.

A Top Ten Hottest Celebrity Chicks for the New Year

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 05:46:00 -0400

The #1 slot, vacated by Jessica Alba earlier this week, has been settled and it’s not Yvonne Strahovski. In an article posted earlier this week, I revealed my intentions of placing Yvonne at #1 only to be accused of “brown bagging” it, whatever that means, and have lists of women “hotter than Yvonne” sent to me. I received more shit over putting her at #1 than I ever did about including Sarah Silverman on my October 2007 list, and trust me, I got absolute hell for that move. Jessica Alba, Yvonne Strahovski, Zhang Ziyi, Kate Beckinsale, Grace Park, Elisha Cuthbert, Jessica Biel, Megan Fox, Scarlett Johansson, Sarah Silverman, Aya Hirano, Gillian Chung.

My Gift to You: A Recipe for Breakfast

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 05:46:00 -0400

For over two years I have eaten the greatest breakfast dish of all time: a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I am well aware that you can easily take two slabs of white bread, some Peter Pan peanut butter, and some Smuckers jelly, slap it all together and make a delicious sandwich. We have all done it and it satisfied that inate yearning we have for peanut butter and jelly; but, there is another way—a better way. What you are about to receive is the greatest gift that I can possibly give anyone: the recipe for the perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Oh, as a bonus, my take on the sandwich is really good for you, too. FlatOut, Smucker's, Polaner.

30 Celebrity Chicks Hotter Than Yvonne?!

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 05:46:00 -0400

I was originally going to post a new Top 10 Hottest Celebrity Chicks list for no other reason than to pimp the glory of Yvonne Strahovski. Then I reviewed the last two lists that I have posted. Over the period of a year, the Top 10 only had three new names on it. I decided to subject my list to greater scrutiny; only four chicks from the last list made the cut this month. No, this isn’t change for change’s sake. This change is much needed. The list went stale and I was tired of about half of the names. New rule: no more permanent slots. They were handcuffing my list and I don’t consider Kelly Preston to be in the Top 50 much less the Top 10 anymore. Jessica Alba, Yvonne Strahovski, Zhang Ziyi, Kate Beckinsale, Grace Park, Elisha Cuthbert, Jessica Biel, Megan Fox, Scarlett Johansson, Sarah Silverman.

Rumors of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 21:45:56 -0400

A series of unfortunate events occurred over the past couple of weeks that have caused me to experience a profound life-changing phenomenon: Jessica Alba is no longer my #1 Hottest Celebrity Chick. In fact, she’s not even in the Top 5. Yes, my friends, the reign of Jessica Alba is officially over.

October 2007 Top 10 Hottest Celebrity Chicks

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 21:45:56 -0400

A Random Sampling of Fortunes

Fri, 7 Sep 2007 21:45:56 -0400

One of my loyal readers, Security God, posted a comment on the Open Letter To Mr. Fortune Cookie Writerarticle earlier today. Rather than respond to it in the Comments section of that post, I will make a new Mostly Daily and respond to his post section by section. His words are in italics.

It Is What It Is

Thu, 6 Sep 2007 20:49:20 -0400

"It is what it is." Well, it’s a redundant truism is what it is, and not a particularly good one at that. I’ve noticed the phrase "it is what it is" gaining popularity over the last few years. At first, it was a mere annoyance. I’d hear friends and colleagues pepper their conversations with it every so often. 50 Cent used it in a few of his lyrics. Football coaches mixed it in with their coach-speak.

The Most Bizarre Restaurant. Ever.

Wed, 5 Sep 2007 06:05:20 -0400

After touching down in Denver to begin our Colorado vacation, we decided to eat Mexican food at a place where flame jugglers jump off 30 foot indoor cliffs, gorillas and mariachi bands live together in relative harmony, and after dinner fare includes exploring prisons and waterfalls. In short, we committed to satiating our hunger pangs at what is, by far, the strangest restaurant I have ever been to: Casa Bonita.

Protect Me From Myself

Sun, 2 Sep 2007 13:09:13 -0400

Today is my 29th Birthday and what a crappy start to an otherwise a beautiful day. I don’t feel any older, but my actions so far have proven otherwise; I’ve completely lost my mind and I need help. Not just any help, either; I need a professional.

An Open Letter To Mr. Fortune Cookie Writer

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 06:23:53 -0400

I have noticed a disturbing trend in fortune cookie fortunes: they suck. It’s as if giving us some trite Confucian proverb and randomly generated lottery numbers is supposed to somehow appease us. Well, Mr. Fortune Cookie Writer, it doesn’t. You have become lazy on us and we, The People, demand real fortunes again. According to the dictionary, a fortune is "a prediction of destiny." Telling us what the best tonic is for a long day is not a fortune--it’s advice and we don’t want it.

Mmm .. Scorpion: The Motion Picture

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 05:28:37 -0400

This is the video from the review of Scorpion Brittle. Unfortunately, the video was filmed sideways or else I would have posted it sooner.

Mmmm ... Scorpion

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 11:05:34 -0400

I have always been fascinated with eating insects—the worm in tequila, chocolate covered crickets, contestants eating live bugs on Fear Factor, etc. What could insects possibly taste like? Am I missing out on something that is actually quite tasty? I have just never been able to work up the nerve to actually eat one until today.

"I'm a Machete, Fly Motherf*cker"

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 11:08:30 -0400

This is a clip from the Drunk Christian videos we took a few weeks ago. A little background: Christian had never before been drunk. He took an unknown number of vodka shots and hilarity ensued. In this clip, Christian divulges his fantasy of being a superhero that wields a machete and wears a cape.

YMCA

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 11:09:23 -0400

I’m in the great state of Colorado until Aug 26, but I will still try to post Mostly Dailies of some Drunk Christian videos and clips from the anime convention podcasts that “The Victim” is creating. Today’s video shows a group of girl cosplayers doing the YMCA, which is apparently the only dance most of them can do—they spend most of the song awkwardly flailing their arms around.

Operation Wedding Bells

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 11:10:07 -0400

Let me preface this story by saying that this operation was not my idea; that’s the God’s honest truth! I, however, endorsed the plan wholeheartedly once Loraine suggested it at the ribbon cutting ceremony for the office that we had already been working out of for a month.

What is Moon Soup?

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 11:10:44 -0400

At the Kennedy Space Center Gift Shop I saw a brand new space food occupying the shelves: Moon Soup. Unable to resist the temptation of finding the next Astronaut Ice Cream (One of the Top 5 things I love about Kennedy Space Center—one of my next articles), I clutched the can like a kid with a new Transformer toy and eagerly gazed at the retro, blue, starry label and contemplated what in the hell Moon Soup could possibly taste like.

Sphincter Mouse of the Week: Judith Leekin

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 11:11:36 -0400

This week’s Sphincter Mouse was a no brainer as soon as I came across the story of Judith Leekin and her eleven adopted children. For over 20 years, Judith Leekin (aka Judith Johnson) has adopted children and held them captive in her home so she could collect child welfare payments.

Drunk Christian Loves the Bottle

Thu, 9 Aug 2007 11:12:24 -0400

The following video is a clip of Drunk Christian trying to keep the buzz alive by sneaking a swig while his fiancé is in the bathroom. It’s not my favorite clip, but it’s the only one I have available that is less than two minutes. More to come!

The Naruto Headband

Tue, 7 Aug 2007 11:13:11 -0400

This clip is an interview where they cornered me after I bought a headband like the ones worn in the anime Naruto. I have never seen this cartoon before, but nearly one out of every three people at this anime convention was wearing this headband—so I had to have one.

R.I.P. Inky, Blinky, and Pinky

Mon, 6 Aug 2007 11:14:19 -0400

An Ecosphere is a little sealed glass container that contains live shrimp. It is a self-sustaining aquarium in that the shrimp take a dump, algae feed on sunlight and the nutrients from the dump, and finally the shrimp eat the algae. My father-in-law got me an Ecosphere as a Christmas present, which I took to work about a month ago to use as a cool desk ornament.

The Monster Squad

Sun, 5 Aug 2007 11:15:00 -0400

There is a small collection of movies from my childhood which I regard as sacred, must-watch material for every mouth-breathing Homo sapien in this country. These are movies that I usually recorded off of HBO and subsequently wore out the videotape by watching it 900 times, give or take a few.

Sphincter Mouse of the Week: Britney Spears

Fri, 3 Aug 2007 11:15:37 -0400

Any one of Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, et al was just as likely to end up as this week’s Sphincter Mouse. I hate them all. My loathing of these overexposed hacks does not even begin to compare with the amount of hatred I have for idiots like Michael Vick.

Operation Superchicken: An Epilogue

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 11:17:53 -0400

Around 10:00 AM, my cohort and I ran a check to see if Superchicken had been discovered by the mark or if it had gone unnoticed. Glancing out a window, we saw that the Superchicken was still attached to the car antenna. I started to think that I should have brought my camera again; I could write a daily post with a picture for each day that Superchicken stayed on her car.

Operation Superchicken

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 11:16:21 -0400

If a visitor comes into the building where I work they are required to be escorted by an employee who trails them everywhere and makes sure that they are not stealing anything. Babysitting visitors is a boring thankless job that everybody hates doing; a job that I had no idea even existed until a few weeks ago when I was sitting in my cubicle doing productive work and the receptionist gave me a call.

Sphincter Mouse of the Week: Michael Vick

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 11:17:06 -0400

And now the inaugural Zenestex.com Sphincter Mouse of the Week award goes to none other than Atlanta Falcons "Quarterback" Michael Vick.

July 2007 Top 10 Hottest Celebrity Chicks

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 11:21:26 -0400

It has almost been a year since I posted my infamous "Ten Flavors of the (Half) Year," so I figure it’s about time that I update the list. This is a list of hot celebrity chicks that I have maintained since I was a little kid. Of course, back then Daphne from Scooby Doo was a Top 5 mainstay. Now that I’m an adult, she’s more Top 30 material than anything.

The Next Great NFL Kicker: My Mom?

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 11:22:21 -0400

As a rule of thumb you don't want to make fun of your own mother. Other than the obvious fact that she's your freaking mother, I'm fairly certain that making fun of her breaks one of the Commandments. Plus, she has known you all your life; you just know that she has an endless supply of compromising baby photos of you naked in a bathtub and a repository of embarrassing stories about you that she can unload at any given moment.

Romulan Ale: The Review

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 11:23:20 -0400

A frosty bottle of Romulan AleBefore our trip to Vegas this past summer, I heard that the Star Trek Experience at the Las Vegas Hilton has some cool rides. Since I'm a complete whore for theme parks rides, we decided to spend a few hours there one afternoon. Now, let me preface this review by saying that I am not a Trekkie.

Pet Peeve: 110%

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 11:24:10 -0400

In any televised sport, game, or reality show, you are bound to hear at least one of the competitors drone the tired cliché, "Well , I'm just gonna go out there and give it my 110%." Oh, is that all? Why stop there? Why not 111% you lazy, mildewing, sack of shit? How about 522%? Now that would be pouring your heart out and giving it your all.

August 2006 Top 10 Hottest Celebrity Chicks

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 11:25:03 -0400

In conversations with my buddies, I often prattle off a listing of my Top 5 Hottest Celebrity Chicks. This list changes each time I say it, but it usually contains a permutation of the same ten names. Obviously, the ten names change, too—but not nearly as often as actual the rankings. Call it "10 Flavors of the Year," maybe even "10 Flavors of the Half Year." For the sake of posterity and at the very real risk of my wife Bobbitting me while I sleep, I decided to post my Top 5 Hottest Celebrity Chicks.

The UGOOMH (Unidentified Glimmering Object On My Head)

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 11:28:04 -0400

was looking in the mirror and styling my buzz cut yesterday morning when I noticed a strange glint of light emanate from my dome. Curious, I turned my head in all directions in an attempt to reproduce the phenomenon. With my head turned to the right and tilted slightly up, I saw the brilliant sparkle of light once again and pinpointed its origin to my left upper sideburn. I asked myself, "What in the hell would cause that?"