Zenestex
4Jan/1215

My 2011 Resolutions In Review

Smeagol

Wow. I am rusty at this writing thing. So, 2011 sucked donkey balls and I’m going to grade the resolutions that I made a one year ago on this day. Here’s a hint: I failed. This is why I hate New Year’s Resolutions. They are just further proof of how much I suck.

Obviously I haven’t written much of anything since March. I have a litany of excuses. My job workload picked up dramatically. I became a political activist. I acquired a taste for zombies. Awesome games such as Portal 2, Catherine, Dragon Age II, Skyrim, and Deus Ex demanded my fleeting attention. All of that is true, but none caused my flameout as a writer.

I blame Netflix. My name is Bobby and I am a Netflix Addict. I hate you Netflix and your stupid, amazingly accurate suggestions. You know my tastes better than I do. And for that, you must be destroyed. You know too much.

30Dec/1018

New Year’s Resolutions for 2011

I’m not one to make New Year’s resolutions. I suck at them. Every attempt at such year-long dedication has resulted in utter failure and led to subsequent feelings of guilt and worthlessness. If I resolve to lose weight, usually by January 5th I’m at Beef’s, slamming buffalo wings, drinking beer, and flipping off anyone who mentions how much I suck at resolutions. Have a beer and fail with me!

2011 will be different. 2011 is a good number—a prime number. It has to be a good year. This is it, the year before 2012, which will be the end of the whole fucking universe. That’s when galactic alignment, Mayan calendars, Revelations, Pleiadeans and all that other shit that lives in Barnes and Noble’s Metaphysical aisle becomes real. If you’re going to accomplish a goal, better do it this year or you will be immortalized as a miserable failure for all eternity. No pressure.

I’m not doing the clichéd, “I’m going to get in shape” resolution. I won’t be buying a thousand-dollar Bowflex contraption and swearing to chisel down to 5% bodyfat in just 15 minutes a day. However, I am looking at a set of Iron Master Quicklock dumbbells because the frustration of changing weights during P90X with spinlock dumbbells adds seven new gray hairs to my head every workout.