6—Danica McKellar (Wonder Years): It was almost obligatory for every guy my age
to have had a crush on Winnie Cooper. She’s an odd choice. Danica McKellar was hardly
the most gorgeous girl on television at the time. However, as boys similar in age
to Kevin Arnold, we all connected with his plight to win the heart of Winnie Cooper.
It’s simple really: because Kevin had such a huge crush on Winnie, we did, too.
As such, any list naming the biggest crushes a child of the 80’s had simply HAS
to include Winnie Cooper—it’s mandatory. If it’s not already a law, it should be.
I make it sound like this is a throwaway entry; as if I am obliged to have Danica
McKellar on the list. Hardly. I had an enormous crush on her, especially when the
series debuted back in 1988. I remember The Wonder Years debut like it was yesterday.
My mom was fast asleep, after becoming bored by the Redskins’ easy victory over
the Broncos in Super Bowl XXII. Following the Super Bowl, ABC aired the first episode
of The Wonder Years. I shared the experience of this debut alone with my dad and
we were absolutely mesmerized by the show.
7—Paula Abdul (pop star): When Paula Abdul appeared on my MTV in the late
80’s, I thought she was crazy hot, but I didn’t develop a crush until later on.
One day, some of my buddies and I were at my house swimming in the pool and shooting
the shit about hot singers. I probably threw out names like Debbie Gibson, Gloria
Estefan, and some random chick from The Jets or The Bangles, but I really had no
go-to singer in my arsenal for such debates. My suggestions were laughed at, derided,
and rejected outright. They saw my Debbie Gibson and raised me a Paula Abdul. The
word from my boys was that Paula was the hottest woman on the planet. Ever! I gave
it some thought, bowed to the peer pressure, and readily accepted their logic. That
short-lived debate was all it took. I saw the "Opposites Attract" video later that
day in a whole new light. My crush on her went, uh, Straight Up! Lame pun. Horrible
attempt, I know. I know. I’m not gifted in the art of Punry, but I had to try.
8—Robin Wright (The Princess Bride, Forest Gump): As a kid, one of my favorite
things in the world was going to Rent-A-Movie and hunting for videotapes to watch
later that night with my parents. One night, my dad picked out a movie called
Princess Bride. I don’t remember what movie I picked out that night, but that’s
really the whole point—it doesn’t matter. The Princess Bride blew me away. I had
never seen anything like it before or since (although the first Pirates of the Caribbean
comes close). The Princess Bride had Andre the Giant, a beautiful princess, Kevin
Arnold, dread pirates, epic sword fights, great jokes, six-fingered villains, and
giant man-eating rats. I was in heaven. It immediately became my favorite movie;
it still remains one of my all-time favorites to this day (check out the even better
novel by William Goldman).
So, who was this princess in The Princess Bride? The stunning Buttercup played by
Robin Wright . Buttercup is the most beautiful woman in all Florin—the kingdom
where she lives—but she is a mere peasant. Upon discovering this beauty, Prince
Humperdinck chooses Buttercup to be his bride. Her long lost lover, Westley, returns
as the Dread Pirate Roberts. In the course of saving Buttercup from kidnappings,
fire-swamps, and a forced marriage, Westley fights, fences, outwits, gets tortured,
mostly dies, swallows a chocolate covered miracle pill, wakes up mostly paralyzed,
and then fights some more. I completely bought into it and fell in love with her,
9—Christina Applegate (Married With Children, Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s
Dead): There wasn’t a boy in my 6th grade class that wasn’t totally
in love with Kelly Bundy from Married With Children. Kelly was so completely,
hopelessly, dumb that it only magnified her hotness exponentially. At the time,
ditzy was cool. All the cool girls in our class were like “I duh-no-o-o-o-o.” We
were enamored with airheaded chicks who hairsprayed their way through life—and Kelly
Bundy was the Queen of Vacuous, the Fair Maiden of Aqua-Net. Somehow I don’t think
Kelly Bundy would work today. Ditzy just isn’t hot anymore—or maybe it still is
and I am just getting old and grumpy.
When Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead debuted 1991, my friends and I
were immediately hooked by the trailer. Christina Applegate was there in all her
glorious, early 90’s, fan-haired, shoulderpad wearing hotness. To seal the deal they
threw in one funny ass headbanger who shoots the dishes when he’s asked to finish
them. “Dishes are done, man! eHeh heh heh ehe” That trailer had us totally captivated
and there was nothing that would stop us from seeing it on opening night.
It’s no coincidence that many of my favorite movies and television shows from my childhood feature women that I was head-over-heels infatuated with. As much as I enjoyed watching Daniel-san drum punch Chozen’s ass into the pavement (and likewise despised him for just honking Chozen's nose instead of finishing him), I loved seeing the drop dead gorgeous Kumiko fawn all over our hero. Every time I watched Karate Kid II, which was easily over a hundred times, I fell completely in love with Kumiko again and again. I was smitten. And this same scenario repeated itself with many girls, in many shows, throughout my childhood. These crushes were all a complete secret to my parents who thought I just loved watching movies over and over again because I was weird. Well, there’s that, too.
Confession from a former soda fiend: at the height of my addiction, I’d slam roughly the equivalent of 6-8 cans per day—sometimes more. Sometimes a lot more. Last summer I finally managed to kick the habit and now I’ll have just one in the morning if I can’t snap out of my post-coming-into-work-at-6AM-induced coma. For those scoring at home, I don’t count Monster Energy Drinks as soda. Sweet Nectar of the Gods!
Although I have reduced my soda intake to sub-cancerous levels, I do enjoy delving into new soda flavors whenever they are released. I was grocery shopping last week and came across a display for a new flavor of Pepsi Max: Cease Fire. The label on the Cease Fire bottle encouraged me to combine this hallowed new elixir with a potent, spicy variety of Doritos for a hot-cold synergistic explosion of flavor. They also included a coupon that gave me the soda for free if I bought a bag of Doritos, which sealed the deal.
I went to pick up my daughter at school since it was an early out day. I had to drop off a prescription at CVS so we stopped on the way home. In front of me in a car was a Senior Citizen (Male) that I will call Fred. I really don't know him or his name but for a better story, I picked Fred. Well Fred was driving the required old person car--a Cadillac--and pulls up front. I pulled on the other side of the handicap parking slots and got out with my daughter. Fred quickly walks up in front of us and then proceeds to take his time walking back to the pharmacy. Fred doesn't walk to one side but down the middle of the isle. So, I think to myself that a few more seconds won't matter, he is my elder. I am supposed to respect my elders so no big deal, we will patiently walk behind him and I can show my daughter that I can be a patient man and respect the order of life.
Well Fred then slows down some more and proceeds to rip the biggest fart. I mean that not only did we obviously hear it and immediately look at each other in amusement, but half of the store heard it. To add insult to injury, the old fart (pun intended) doesn't say excuse me, oops or kiss my ass. My only failure in the situation was that I was still in the respect your elder thoughts when it happened; I didn't come back with a witty come back like, “excuse me, were you talking to me?” or “boy, I bet you are glad that wasn't a shart!” No, I said nothing other than cut a look at my daughter saying to myself, “never say that your dad embarrasses you in public ever again”.
It has come to my attention that our beloved Zenestex.com has been infiltrated by the ignorant. Recently, one of our writers, Ligia, was verbally assaulted by a reader known only as "Glen." Not only was her article trashed, but her family, boyfriend, and career were also scrutinized. Although Ligia chose to not say anything in regards to this matter (due to a pending investigation), I, Sho Nuff, protector of all things Zenestex.com, will gladly take care of this situation.
After careful review of Ligia's article, Stankonya, and the imbecilic comment left for display, I have determined that this intrusive statement of opinion is absolute Trailer Park Trash (TPT). This article is devoted to you, TPT. Please click on the following song below and have it playing in the background while reading the rest of this article.
The party preparations began innocently enough for the two heroes. They arrived at the community center a couple of hours before the start of the party to help out with the decorations. Bobby and Security Gawd were relegated to balloon inflation duty in a corner far away from everyone else. They were both well aware of the conspiracy afoot to keep them at a safe distance from any vital activities such as setting up electronics or food preparation. However, even something as innocuous as inflating balloons would be fraught with peril for the pair of bumbling ne'er-do-wells.
After threatening to scare the piss out of kids at Disney World while performing the mandatory helium voice trick, the two settled into a tedious routine of inflating balloons. Bobby inflated the balloons and tied them with ribbon. Meanwhile, Security Gawd put them together in arrangements of one shiny balloon, two red balloons, and two white balloons. Things were moving along at a nice clip.
“We should be done in no time at all,” said Bobby as he surveyed their progress. “Just a few more bundles and we can finally do something useful.”
Bored with being an automaton on the balloon inflation assembly line, Bobby blew up a balloon in his mouth and held it there. He intended to let it slip from his mouth to see where it would fly and what mischief it would cause. Security Gawd noticed Bobby's scheming and promptly foiled these plans by popping the balloon while it was still in Bobby's mouth. The balloon murder for Security Gawd's mere amusement was the event that angered Him.
Hello Kitty, two little words that always bring a smile to my face. Oh, it isn’t for the reason you are thinking. I am not a Sanrio© Hello Kitty fan by any stretch of the imagination. I have, what I recently described to my friends over beers and bar food, “embraced the gayness” of Hello Kitty. Well, it turns out I should have thought that through just a little bit before I blurted that out. Sounds a little like I am now an HK fanatic (I have shortened Hello Kitty to HK, deal with it).