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For this week I present the new and still upcoming Nathalie Kelley. She is fantastically
gorgeous! She was born in Peru to a Peruvian mother and Argentine father March 3,
1985 however she was raised in Australia. Her ethnicity while being raised in Australia
gives her the most alluring, sexy accent. She was big into Salsa dancing and volunteering
before becoming an actress.
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This week, Cole takes the reigns and presents us her Babe of The Week. Melissa Rycroft
was born March 11, 1983 in Dallas, Texas. She is fairly new to the world of stardom
but she is growing in popularity rapidly. She started her life in the spot light
as a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. America fell in love with her when she made her
television debut on “The Bachelor.”
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I suppose the Hottest Celebrity Chicks list is now an annual affair—until it isn’t.
I recently perused the Top 100 chick lists of Maxim, FHM, and AskMen. Let’s just
say I’m very unimpressed. Their #1’s were Olivia Wilde, Cheryl Cole, and Eva Mendes
respectively. Cheryl Cole was recently a BTW, but a #1 overall? Smokers don’t get
#1 consideration. Olivia Wilde was far outclassed by Elisha Cuthbert in Girl Next
Door and I can’t even recall her being in Alpha Dog—a movie I’ve
seen probably 10 times now. Eva Mendes? Eh. She gets possibly a 7 on my scale. Hardly
Top 20 worthy.
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I went to pick up my daughter at school since it was an early out day. I had to
drop off a prescription at CVS so we stopped on the way home. In front of me in
a car was a Senior Citizen (Male) that I will call Fred. I really don’t know him
or his name but for a better story, I picked Fred. Well Fred was driving the required
old person car--a Cadillac--and pulls up front.
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I feel I must respond to Security Gawd’s apartment living tidbits, I must first
say that I feel your pain. But you must also realize it could be worse. You could
have had the lovely smell of incense and curry wafting up through the open holes
between the plumbings in the building.
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It has come to my attention that our beloved Zenestex.com has been infiltrated
by the ignorant. After careful review of Ligia's article, Stankonya, and the imbecilic comment
left for display, I have determined that this intrusive statement of opinion
is absolute Trailer Park Trash (TPT). This article is devoted to you, TPT.
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The party preparations began innocently enough for the two heroes. They arrived
at the community center a couple of hours before the start of the party to help
out with the decorations. Bobby and Security Gawd were relegated to balloon inflation
duty in a corner far away from everyone else. They were both well aware of the conspiracy
afoot to keep them at a safe distance from any vital activities such as setting
up electronics or food preparation.
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My debut article was supposed to be inspired by the most Gawdly of muses. One rainy evening a few weeks ago, a certain someone announced that he would write a monologue admitting that he loves the pussy. I was inspired. I promptly proclaimed that my first article would be a rebuttal to his. My thoughts then devolved into an internal dialogue of yokes about his feline love.
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I feel like I have a force-field of ignorant energy that draws everything useless and time-consuming my way. In my efforts to avoid everything useless, I have curve balls thrown at me as if life is a steroid injected 5th grade bully throwing a dodgeball at a hefty-sized kid in a too-tight menudo shirt. Oh what humor this bully has, to pick on a defenseless porker with nowhere to hide.
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To celebrate this year’s St. Patrick’s Day, we went to the Renaissance Festival to enjoy the atrocious acting, weird jokes, dust, green beer, and smell of horseshit hanging in the air. Sure, it sounds bad, but it’s all part of the magic. For those who don’t know, the Renaissance Festival is a medieval carnival that is held in the Tampa area each year for a month or two.
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Life is full of epiphanies and turning points. Some small, innocuous, and seemingly insignificant moment can be a catalyst for the opening of whole new avenues of opportunity for some lucky—or unlucky—soul. Eating a Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory chocolate covered orange slice was not one of these moments.
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As part of my biweekly, ritual self-torture known as Circuit Training, I usually stop at a convenience store on the way to the track to pick up a Gatorade and protein brownie to get me through the anguish of the workout. It’s about this point that I would go on a tangent and exalt the glory of the protein brownie, but now is not the time. I’m here to tell you about air. Canned air.
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I can hardly believe that it has been over six months since I wrote a Top Ten article; time is just starting to fly by. I’m just getting old, I suppose. There were a few glaring mistakes made in the previous Top Ten list, notably the removal of Jessica Alba from the top slot and the incomprehensible omission of Grace Park from the list entirely.
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The #1 slot, vacated by Jessica Alba earlier this week, has been settled and it’s not Yvonne Strahovski. In an article posted earlier this week, I revealed my intentions of placing Yvonne at #1 only to be accused of “brown bagging” it, whatever that means, and have lists of women “hotter than Yvonne” sent to me. I received more shit over putting her at #1 than I ever did about including Sarah Silverman on my October 2007 list, and trust me, I got absolute hell for that move.
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A series of unfortunate events occurred over the past couple of weeks that have caused me to experience a profound life-changing phenomenon: Jessica Alba is no longer my #1 Hottest Celebrity Chick. In fact, she’s not even in the Top 5. Yes, my friends, the reign of Jessica Alba is officially over.
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I was originally going to post a new Top 10 Hottest Celebrity Chicks list for no other reason than to pimp the glory of Yvonne Strahovski. Then I reviewed the last two lists that I have posted. Over the period of a year, the Top 10 only had three new names on it.
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After touching down in Denver to begin our Colorado vacation, we decided to eat Mexican food at a place where flame jugglers jump off 30 foot indoor cliffs, gorillas and mariachi bands live together in relative harmony, and after dinner fare includes exploring prisons and waterfalls.
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I bought the Scorpion Brittle with the intention of eating it someday when I had nothing to write about, but the events of this day made me want nothing more than to incur my wrath upon the insect world.
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Let me preface this story by saying that this operation was not my idea; that’s the God’s honest truth! I, however, endorsed the plan wholeheartedly once Loraine suggested it at the ribbon cutting ceremony for the office that we had already been working out of for a month.
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There is a small collection of movies from my childhood which I regard as sacred, must-watch material for every mouth-breathing Homo sapien in this country. These are movies that I usually recorded off of HBO and subsequently wore out the videotape by watching it 900 times, give or take a few. This collection of movies includes classics such as The Last Dragon, Princess Bride, The Goonies, and The Karate Kid.
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If a visitor comes into the building where I work they are required to be escorted by an employee who trails them everywhere and makes sure that they are not stealing anything. Babysitting visitors is a boring thankless job that everybody hates doing; a job that I had no idea even existed until a few weeks ago when I was sitting in my cubicle doing productive work and the receptionist gave me a call.
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I have to admit that between work and playing Xbox 360, I am having a lot of problems
thinking of subjects to write about. I really don’t want to maintain a journal and
write about my own life too much. Hell, that even bores me. So, I’ll try
to come up with a few topics that I can write a weekly column about.
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It has almost been a year since I posted my infamous “Ten Flavors of the (Half)
Year,” so I figure it’s about time that I update the list. This is a list of hot
celebrity chicks that I have maintained since I was a little kid. Of course, back
then Daphne from Scooby Doo was a Top 5 mainstay. Now that I’m an adult
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As a rule of thumb you don't want to make fun of your own mother. Other than the
obvious fact that she's your freaking mother, I'm fairly certain that making fun
of her breaks one of the Commandments. Plus, she has known you all your life; you
just know that she has an endless supply of compromising baby photos
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Before our trip to Vegas this past summer, I heard that the Star Trek Experience
at the Las Vegas Hilton has some cool rides. Since I'm a complete whore for theme
parks rides, we decided to spend a few hours there one afternoon. Now, let me preface
this review by saying that I am not a Trekkie
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In any televised sport, game, or reality show, you are bound to hear at least one
of the competitors drone the tired cliché, "Well <Insert Host Name>,
I'm just gonna go out there and give it my 110%." Oh, is that all? Why stop there?
Why not 111% you lazy, mildewing, sack of shit?
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In conversations with my buddies, I often prattle off a listing of my Top 5 Hottest
Celebrity Chicks. This list changes each time I say it, but it usually contains
a permutation of the same ten names. Obviously, the ten names change, too—but not
nearly as often as actual the rankings. Call it “10 Flavors of the Year,” maybe
even “10 Flavors of the Half Year.”
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I was looking in the mirror and styling my buzz cut yesterday morning when I noticed
a strange glint of light emanate from my dome. Curious, I turned my head in all
directions in an attempt to reproduce the phenomenon. With my head turned to the
right and tilted slightly up, I saw the brilliant sparkle of light once again and
pinpointed its origin to my left upper sideburn. I asked myself, "What in the hell
would cause that?"
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