A Peek Into My Screwed Up Mind


It’s Baby Week on Zenestex.com! Once upon a time, we used this site to post Top 10 Chicks, Girls of the Day, Babes of the Week, or even Guys of the Day when Mrs. Zenestex staged a coup d'état. I guess we're all finally growing up and getting responsible and shit. Pffft! Growing up my ass. Newsflash Baby Boomers: We're Toys R Us kids and it's all your fault. You made our childhoods so disgustingly awesome that we can't let go. Oh those silly Generation X'ers, always flicking the boogers of blame at our parents.

Today I present the Illustrious Security Gawd's post about his Coming-Soon Daughter's snazzy, new bedroom. Tomorrow my cousin, Li, regales us with her Real Adventures in Preggerhood as only she can tell it.

For those who don't know, Security Gawd is my brother-in-law and one of my best buddies. He and Julz--my wife's ickle sister--are two of the most proud and most excited parents-to-be of all time. I mean like EVAR. At the time of this post, Pretty Sammy is due any day. I'm totally thrilled for both of them;  I'm also jazzed about spoiling the hell out of my little niece. It's my duty (doody) as her uncle to shower her with the good stuff like He-Man, She-Ra, Legos, Teenage MUTANT Ninja Turtles, and non-lethal weapons while veering her away from the dumb, pink aisle crap like Barbie and My Little Pony. Without further ado:

By Security Gawd

As many of you are aware, my wife and I are expecting our first child in a few short days (Editor’s note: because I’m lazy, forgetful, and busy all at the same time I had to change “months” to “days”. My bad, brother). We strived to make her nursery a very special place. My father made a beautiful shelf for the room. He drilled holes for eight antique drawer pulls we found while in an old Amish store in Pennsylvania. We hung handmade letters  to spell out her name. It all looks amazing.

Sammy Shelf

Security Gawd Sr's addition to Pretty Sammy's bedroom.

The wife and I also wanted to create something unique for the newest member of our family. We decided on an animal theme for the room. We bought a nice crib set with various zoo animals on it. We wanted a little more personalization in the room so she decided on a few touches to make it special. We painted the room Rose Sorbet and Tinkerbell (re: pink and green).


The Before pic. Cool coloring scheme, but it's missing a certain je ne sais quoi.

Once the paint dried, my wife outlined a very large tree on the wall in pencil and we painted it white. I mounted two white floating shelves to it so we could place stuffed animals on them to create the illusion that they were all chillin’ in the tree.

The Room

Here comes the awesome!

We also came up with the idea to paint the animals from the crib set on various sized canvases. I even helped paint two of them, and my wife’s younger sister painted one as well.


What's the tat say?


If you're goiiiiiing to Saaaaan Fraaaancisco, Be sure to wearrrrr a Flower in Your Hair.

Pile on

The Gang

Upon finishing the last one, we were trying to figure out where to hang them in the room. It was in hanging them that I started thinking about which animals should be nearest the others. Who would be friends with whom and how do they fit in within their particular group? You know, like the cartoons Ice Age and Madagascar. There are six total animals: a lion, monkey, zebra, giraffe, cow, and elephant. The cow is the odd man out in the group. How does a cow fit into the cohesiveness of African safari animals? Oh well, it is there and there is nothing I can do about it now.

The first thing in figuring out who goes where is determining the gender of the animals. You can’t figure out who is who and who likes who without knowing this. Four were obvious. The monkey, elephant and cow have flowers on their heads, so they are obviously female. The lion also has a big mane of hair, so he is obviously a male. For those of you who don’t know, a lioness doesn’t have a mane. Stick with me, I will teach you a thing or two. The other two animals were more difficult since they had no distinguishing marks. So I mad an executive decision and declared the giraffe and zebra as males. This is mainly because it evens out the sexes to three of each.

Before I could decide friends and foes, I had to come up with their roles in the group. Again, I went with what I think would be obvious for most of them. The lion is the leader, the monkey is the prankster, the elephant is the smart one, the giraffe is a klutz, the cow is overly sweet, and the zebra is quiet and reserved.

With their roles established, the next logical step was assigning names. This was a little tricky because I always hated when creators of characters did the cutesy, cop-out of using the first letter of the name of the animal as the first letter of their first name. Examples include but are not limited to: Daffy Duck, Atom Ant, Bugs Bunny, Porky Pig and Mickey Mouse. As a kid, I thought names like Foghorn Leghorn were awesome because they were so creative. Well, I am not that creative, so I just gave them names that seem to fit their pictures and roles:


Charlie the Lion


Penelope the Monkey


Albert the Giraffe


Willie the Zebra


Wanda the Elephant


Holly the Cow

There. Names. With that task complete I had to think about group dynamics. After all, what is a group without relationships? Who likes who and why? How old are they? I started thinking about their personalities. Again, most of these to me were pretty obvious because of their roles.

Charlie is the leader of the crew and the oldest. He takes their safety and security extremely seriously. That isn’t to say he doesn’t have a funny side though. He is a strong, gruff man, but has a very soft heart. His closest friend in the pack is Penelope, the youngest. They have more of a Father-Daughter relationship than anything else.

Penelope looks up to Charlie. She is always there to cheer him up or help out with the leadership duties. However, she is a prankster, which sometimes that aggravates Charlie. One time she painted the tip of his tail to match the pink of her paws. Charlie didn’t really care for that too much.

Willie and Wanda are a couple. They are both around the same age, which is several years younger than Charlie. They truly love each other. I won’t get into the details of how they procreate; this is my child’s room for crying out loud. Get your minds out of the gutter! Besides, in the pictures, they are about the same size.

Wanda is extremely smart and loves word puzzles or reading a good book. She is always the winner when the group plays trivia games. Wanda’s head is packed with an immense amount of trivia, and she isn't afraid to blurt out fascinating, but ultimately useless, facts. Like when they were migrating to a new watering hole, carrying all their belongings with them, she blurted out, “Did you guys know that a mule is the result of a male donkey and a female horse, but a male horse and a female donkey produce what is called a Hinny?”

Willie is the quiet one of the bunch. While he is always with Wanda, he doesn’t say much. He always seems deep in thought. He will laugh at all the jokes each one says, whether he actually finds them funny or not. He is also the first one to volunteer to help out anyone.

Albert is a klutz and only a few years older than Penelope. He is constantly bumping into things because he isn’t watching where he is going and is easily distracted. He has borderline ADD. He has a great wonderment about him though. He loves to learn new things, which is why Wanda is his best friend. Willie is fine with this though because he knows that Wanda and he have something special.

Holly is the newest member of the group. She is a little older than Willie and Wanda, and just a few years younger than Charlie. She is very fun and upbeat. Always finds the positive side of things. She has a natural motherly instinct about her, which is probably why Penelope loves to hitch rides on her back when they are traveling long distances. She also secretly harbors romantic feelings for Charlie. However, she will always deny this when asked about a stray look she gives him or the way she smiles when they talk.

The entire time this is going on in my head, the characters are having various conversations. What is a conversation without putting voices to them? Celebrities are the easiest to use since everyone can relate to their voice.

Dustin Hoffman

Charlie the Lion is voiced by Dustin Hoffman. He has a wise sounding voice and at the same time, almost nurturing and fatherly.


Penelope the Monkey is voiced by Selena Gomez. She has a young sounding voice that also lends itself well to sarcasm (Yes, I am speaking of her role on Wizards of Waverly Place).


Wanda the Elephant is voiced by Ellen DeGeneres. She is the one that does most of the talking and Ellen also has a very quick wit about her. Plus, it just seemed fun to make the voice of the only character in a heterosexual relationship an openly lesbian celebrity. Not to mention I think Ellen is hysterical.

George Clooney

Willie the Zebra is voiced by George Clooney. I envisioned Willie having a deep voice with a hint of smartness to him. This was the toughest of the bunch to figure out. I wanted to add an English accent and go with someone like Clive Owen or even Gerard Butler. However, George won out in the end. When Willie does speak, it is normally something extremely thought out and tactful.

Seth Rogen

Albert the Giraffe is voiced by Seth Rogen. I initially wanted to go with David Schwimmer since he did such a good job with Marty the giraffe in the Madagascar series, but I didn’t want to cheat. Also, I didn’t want him being that dopey. Seth Rogen won out because he is one of my favorite actors now and seems like he would be a good fit for the goofy role of the group.

Zooey Deschanel

Holly the Cow is voiced by Zooey Deschanel. Zooey has that nice quality about her. No matter how hard you try, you just can’t picture her getting angry. Plus her voice is very soothing and whimsical at the same time.

So that's the story of the characters in our new baby girl’s nursery. I hope she appreciates all the hard work that daddy has put into her little world. Can’t wait to meet her!

Security Gawd has also written Hello Kitty Hell and The Immaculate Constipation.


Comments (12) Trackbacks (0)
  1. As tempted as I am to make fun of you for knowing what the hell Wizards of Waverly Place is or who’s in it, I’ll leave it alone this one time. The castings are great. I thought Dustin Hoffman as the lion and Ellen as Wanda the Elephant were brilliant. My one issue is with George Clooney as Willie the Zebra. That casting alone would make me completely ignore this entire flick in its hypothetical theatrical run. Clooney’s a douche. Clive Owen would have been a much better choice, as you pointed out. After seeing Hunger Games, I also can’t help but picture Woody Harrelson killing it as Willie the Zebra. Anyhow, the room looks amazing. Nice job, dude. If I had been involved, I would’ve agreed that the cow must die and be replaced with Ali the Gator voiced by Helena Bonham Carter. She would appear devious and evil at first, but that’s just her nature. Underneath all the vile swamp lizardness is, well, a devious and evil swamp lizard. This is why I suck at this–all I do is make villains. The character, Ali the Gator, itself is nothing but an attempt to imprint an early University of Florida stamp on my new little neice’s brain. I’ll have plenty of time to bring Pretty Sammy over to the dark side.

    • You know, the more and more I think about it, Clive Owen would have been better. Oh well, Clooney already accepted the role and cashed the first check. He should do just fine. I still need to see Hunger Games before I can agree with Woody.

  2. I loved the room and all the decorations (characters). Samantha has no choice but becoming a Gator. The orange & blue will go wonderfully in this loving room. I can’t wait to meet her!!!!!! (just wait till after Easter) She’s going to have some awesome parents and Aunts & Uncles not to mention the grandfathers!!!

    • My money is on us being in the hospital Easter Sunday. Would be just our luck!

  3. This is awesome. I love all the characters. Im cracking up at your decision to go with Seth Rogan, as Albert the Giraffe. Great job on the room guys. Since I am roughly 7 months ahead of you guys, I will leave you with one piece of advice. SLEEP NOW… because you guys aren’t going to get a decent nights sleep for a LOOOOONG time! Trust me, Im still trying to recover from Newborn Syndrome.

    • Would be great if we could sleep! Between her having to get up every five minutes to empty her walnut sized bladder, and my light sleeping habits, we are perpetually tired. At least that means we are getting used to the midnight feedings! What other USEFUL advice you got?

  4. Not knowing everyone involved, the first thing that popped in my head was “How in the hell do they know who Selena Gomez is, much less what show she is in, or her character traits in that show BEFORE having the kid???” To tell you the truth, the other thing that cracked me up was Seth Rogen as the giraffe. Can you imagine the bong hit Seth could do as a giraffe?? DAAAAAAAAMN! I also feel a little bad that when prepping Nash’s room (he’ll be two on 4/9!!) we just painted and hung shit on the walls. I never even came up with a whole back story! I’m a failure as a parent… sigh. Oh, and take the advice about sleep. It will be a while before you remember what that was… and even then it will only be fondly as a thing that used to happen back in the day. Good luck!!

    • Ben, you are giving yourself away. If you truly had no idea who Selena Gomez was, than you wouldn’t have known it would be embarrassing to say it. Just admit you are a Belieber. Thanks for the luck though, we need it!

  5. Funniest article I have ever read! I would love to read more by you, sir. You are a truly gifted writer.

  6. Great art work on your baby room…..” Me Like it” :)) Congratulations & GB

  7. OMG!!!! This is far one of the best composed, hillarious articles I’ve yet to read… And I agree with my sis (ligia) get all the rest and sleep now because it’ll be a long time before you get a good nights rest….

No trackbacks yet.