Wow. I am rusty at this writing thing. So, 2011 sucked donkey balls and I’m going to grade the resolutions that I made a one year ago on this day. Here’s a hint: I failed. This is why I hate New Year’s Resolutions. They are just further proof of how much I suck.
Obviously I haven’t written much of anything since March. I have a litany of excuses. My job workload picked up dramatically. I became a political activist. I acquired a taste for zombies. Awesome games such as Portal 2, Catherine, Dragon Age II, Skyrim, and Deus Ex demanded my fleeting attention. All of that is true, but none caused my flameout as a writer.
I blame Netflix. My name is Bobby and I am a Netflix Addict. I hate you Netflix and your stupid, amazingly accurate suggestions. You know my tastes better than I do. And for that, you must be destroyed. You know too much.
That’s that. No promises on writing in 2012. Eh, fuck it, I’ll write every day. There, I said it. And I’m not gonna bullshit you with technicalities. You know, like counting emails or tweets. I won’t blog every day obviously, but at the very least I’ll make quality progress on my fiction writing.
Let’s review my 2011 New Year’s Resolution performance.
“My number one goal this year is to write a novel. From outline to fully-edited. The whole deal.”
If you haven’t already read between the lines, there’s no novel. I even made a last-ditch NaNoWriMo effort that fell apart after one day. That’s National Novel Writer’s Month. Every November we, posers, make a noble attempt to finish our novels in a single month. The goal is to get your ass in the chair and hacking at the keyboard. It didn’t take. I have a great story mostly outlined on paper. I just can’t come up with a good reason why my bad guy is doing bad things to my awesome cast of protagonists. Instead of obsessively planning this thing I’m just gonna wing it and let my characters figure it all out for me. That’s a good resolution for 2012.
“My second goal is to keep my little corner of the internet regularly updated with good shit. I suck at posting on schedule, but suck I will no more. Yeah, that.”
I still suck.
Verdict: Utter Fail.
“I resolve to make a Lord of the Rings reference in a blog post.”
I made two Lord of the Rings references in a single week of blogging.
Verdict: Pass with Excellence.
“I resolve to train my four-pound mutt that his name isn’t Asshole.”
He still answers to Asshole. But I only know that because I just tested it. Not only did I find a common ground with my mutt, I kind of like him. I also got a new puppy. A Soft-Coated Wheaton named Misa. She eats her own poo. Coprophagia is the technical term for it. They make pills for this, which I assume make her shit taste shittier. These pills cause her to have diarrhea, which she still laps right up. Then vomits and laps up once again. I hate puppies.
“I resolve to quit calling my brother-in-laws gay. They’re not gay. They’re both pretty cool and good friends regardless of the video I have of one of them, whose name rhymes with Piss-Chin, giving fellatio to an overtly phallic snake balloon with disturbingly practiced technique. As long as the star of this video doesn’t ever hurt my sister-in-law, it’ll never debut on YouTube.”
Fuck you Christian. You cheating, pudgy, beady-eyed, limp-wristed, disease-infested whore. Here’s that video I promised:
Don’t ever let me see your stupid face peering at my sister again. And yeah I meant sister, not sister-in-law.
The other brother-in-law? He’s awesome and not only is he not gay, he’ll have proof of purchase delivered this April. Congrats, brother!
“I resolve to get a new leather jacket. I was called out today at work for wearing a leather jacket from my high school years. Close. I got it my freshman year in college.”
I gave the jacket to Goodwill. But I never replaced it with another leather jacket. Who needs a jacket in Florida anyway?
Verdict: Fail. But I don’t need one so I win.
“I resolve to turn on my Wii this year.”
I played the Wii. Not regularly or anything. I even got a couple of games for it like Zelda and NFL Training Camp.
“I resolve to turn on my Nintendo DS this year.”
I found the DS when I cleaned out the spare room a few months ago. That power cable is, unfortunately, still missing.
“I resolve to answer the telephone. I’m horrible about this. Most of the time I don’t even check to see who it is. And when I do check, most of the time I let it ring. Nothing personal, I do it to everyone. In 2011, I’ll pick up. Unless I hate you.”
I was better at answering the telephone and actually did answer it most of the time. However, there were those moments when I saw who was calling and thought my time was better spent doing Netflix’s evil bidding. Sorry if it was you.
Verdict: No contest. I said “answer.” As in once. And I did. You could also read that “answer” as in answer every time. Let’s call this one a Redo for 2012 with the “answer” meaning answer every time.
“I resolve to stop watching movies just to see hot lesbian sex scenes. I’ll break this resolution the instant I watch Black Swan, so I may have to take this one back.”
I watched Black Swan specifically for that scene. You know what else? I dug the movie, too, even though it was about ballet. See? I call that personal growth. Stop it right there with the dick joke. My lesbian friends who saw the movie with us left disappointed. They said that either a man or a straight chick had obviously directed the movie. Fair enough. I saw it through the eyes of a man and it was glorious.
“I resolve to work on my ridiculously short attention span. I can converse with someone, look them dead in the eye, nod my head in agreement, and then instantly forget every word they just said. Gone forever. I sometimes feel like Dory from Finding Nemo, floating through life in a thirty-second bubble of existence.”
I’ve taken up eye-contact since listening to Howie Long talk so glowingly about Drew Brees’ eye-contact during a Fox Pregame Show. No, that didn’t help my attention-span. All I can think about is how I must be weirding the shit out of people when I laser-stare straight through their pupils. The point is I’m working on it.
“I resolve to not let Star Wars: The Old Republic consume my life and ruin my ambitions once it is finally released this year.”
I cancelled the preorder. I just can’t devote the time and energy to an MMO. Plus, I don’t want to sink thousands of dollars into new computers for the wife and I. The Old Republic is a beast of a game and our computers are so 2006. My stance against buying this game was absolute until I read this write-up at FacePlant. See that? You can solo the whole game at your own pace and lose yourself in another BioWare masterpiece. The Force is strong with this one.
Verdict: Pass. For now.
“I resolve to stop saying I’m a Jew or a Scientologist any time religion comes up in a conversation. I’m not. I’m just fucking with you.”
I’m a Unitarian.
Verdict: Pass. I may have slipped once or twice, but those were merely rote responses from years of reflexively claiming Judaism or Scientology any time religion became a topic of conversation.
“I resolve to stop saying I’m a Socialist any time politics come up in a conversation. I’m not. I’m just fucking with you. And, regardless, socialism is an economic system not a political system. You’re probably thinking of communism when I say it. I’m also not a Communist. Now you know the difference between socialism and communism so you can stop using them interchangeably. Silly right-wingers.”
I’m going to take a quick break from the usual harmless nonsense of my musings and be real. Bear with me; I’ll make it brief. This year was a political awakening for me. I joined a real, live political party: The Green Party. Certain hyper-partisan, political brinksmanship this past summer forced me to start paying attention to the real world. I firmly believe that the Democrats and Republicans are two heads of the same beast. So, I researched every political party you never heard of and I ended up going Green. I’m proud to say that I finally found my peoples!
I also attended a few Occupy Tampa marches. Here’s one for the bucket list: I spoke at an Occupy General Assembly to pimp MoveToAmend. Mic check and all. Me?! Publicly speaking?! I know, right?! Democracy literally means The People Rule. Participation—getting off your couch and voicing your opinion—is what democracy looks like
“I resolve to mule kick in the gut the next person who claims that Qdoba is better than Chipotle. They deserve it.”
Nobody dared to make this claim in my presence.
Verdict: No contest.
“I resolve to get in shape. I know I said I wouldn’t resolve to do that, but I’m fickle.”
I haven’t been in worse shape since 2006. My pants squeeze the life out of me every morning until their bearhug on my waistline finally gives a little. I refuse to move up in size. I’ll go to work my tighties before I buy a pair of size 33’s. I workout. Sometimes. I can still finish a full Insanity workout and I completed the Tough Mudder race a few weeks ago. That all has to count for something.
Verdict: Fail. I’m better than this.
“I resolve to dote on my beautiful wife. She added this.”
I love my wife more than any man could ever possibly love another person.
How’s that? I even made it gender-neutral to include homosexuals in that comparison statement because they count, too, dammit. I didn’t, however, exclude love between woman and person. Nothing to do with lesbians. It’s because no matter how much I love my wife, I know for a fact that she loves me more. She has to. She puts up with my toys, my obsessive Blu-ray/DVD collection, my equally obsessive Netflix documentary habit, my ridiculously short attention span, my WMD bed farts, my arsenal of ninja weapons, and my practicing with said ninja weapons. She also tirelessly edits my writing on any day except Tuesday and she was willing to play Star Wars: The Old Republic simply to spend quality time with me.
I also didn’t exclude love between man and beast. But that’s implied, isn’t it? Ewe.
Overall Score: I had 17 resolutions for 2011 with 9 Passes, 6 Fails, and 2 No Contests. That’s a winning record, kids. Not playoff contention, but still over .500. Quality-wise it’s a complete failure.
2012 will be The Year I Pass. I swears it. That’s a Smeagol quote.