Zenestex
14Jan/116

Netflix Randomness: Night of the Demons

Recently, a strange game evolved from a combination of Netflix’s Instant Watch and my own comatose state of couch-potato boredom. I call it Netflix Randomness. Not that this game is at all random—the name just rolls off the tongue a little easier than Solitaire Movie-Geek Chicken.

Here are the rules to Netflix Randomness. You browse the Instant Watch listings until you find something that grabs your attention. It can be anything. The swerve is that this movie (or television show) must be one that you have never seen, never heard of, and would never watch under any other circumstance. Beyond that, every title is fair game. Once you have located a suitable target, the game is set and you’re in for the duration. And before you probe for loopholes, you have to pause the movie when you leave the room and you cannot play on your cell phone or laptop during the movie. Choose wisely.

This is all merely how I internally justify wasting hours of potential productivity by vegging in front of Netflix. The next evolution of this game will have to include stakes because there’s just not much incentive to sit through a real turd other than groaning about it on the internet.

Netflix Randomness has uncovered many gems such as Cashback, a brilliant little flick that I watched twice in one day. That means go watch it. It counts. The game also introduced me to the television series, Everest: Beyond the Limit, which gave me a new goal in life: to keep a good ocean or two between myself and Mount Everest. I want to climb that bitch. I do. But I’m a realist. I would probably make the summit—only because I’m too stupid to turn around. I have no illusions of glory. I’ll be that guy who returns with frostbitten charcoal nubs that were once toes as well as a case of that dain bramage that floats around Advanced Base Camp. Plus, cold weather is dumb and that’s really what’s stopping me from training up and doing this thing. 40-below-zero? Fuck. That.


Charcoal nubs

See? Dain Bramage
More often, the long and winding road of Netflix Randomness’ has led me to the dilapidated ghetto of movie-land. The list of stinkers is far too numerous to prattle off, but titles such as Boot Camp, Comic Book Villains, and Queen’s Blade highlight the recent offenders.

Night of the Demons
 

The latest round of Netflix Randomness uncovered Night of the Demons, an altogether shitty movie, but not one without moments of campy charm. Night of the Demons is a remake of the 1980’s classic by the same name. Classic? What, what? Yeah, I never heard of it either, but roll with me here. The Netflix listing held promises of demons, gratuitous boobage, and ample gore. Pick Me! Pick Me! My entry for that night’s Netflix Randomness was an easy choice.


The stars of our film at the best Halloween party EVAR!
The movie begins with a sweet silent film showing what happened in some abandoned mansion in during the Roaring 20’s. Demons try to take over the world. Some girl named Evangeline thwarts their evil plans by hanging herself. Jump to good ole’ 2010.

Angela Feld (Shannon “I Believe ‘Shaved’ Is The Expression” Elizabeth) thinks she can make a few bucks by organizing a Halloween party in the old mansion. The party she throws is nothing short of epic. There are hot girls, mostly-great costumes (I spotted a few costume-in-a-bags), blacklights, lesbians, kick ass music, and some chainsmoker named Colin (Edward Furlong) who looks a lot like a Fat John Connor. Best Halloween Party Ever. Angela gives a pep rally encouraging the guests to drink, dance, and fuck. Let the death metal and debauchery commence! Suddenly the cops show up and things take turn for the worst.


Angela tells the crowd how to do this thing.

...and Fat John Connor smokes.
The party is broken up leaving Angela, Fat John Connor, Maddie (Monica Keena), Suzanne (Bobbie Sue Luther), Lily (Diora Baird), and a couple of demon-fodder guys to fend for themselves. After a little roaming, the gang discovers that the gates are locked and decide to pass the time by playing spin the bottle and sticking their fingers in evil skeleton mouths.


Our gang plays Spin the Bottle...and Fat John Connor smokes.
Angela is stoked when the group happens upon six skeletons in the basement. She spots a gold tooth sparkling in the mouth of a skeleton. Angela, being a gold-digger, simply has to pick it. Before she can yank the tooth, the skeleton bites her, possesses her, and the movie never recovers.

The remaining three-quarters of the film is the cast running around the mansion avoiding possession by retarded demons until daybreak. Oh, and the demons’ weakness is rusty metal objects. You know, objects that litter the whole fucking floor of the old mansion. That’s like aliens invading Earth, who explode like big zits when they touch a little water. Right, M. Night?

Look, the acting is terrible and the story makes no sense. That’s expected and even embraced by almost everyone who would select this movie. What you seek out in campy horror are those glorious scenes of excessive violence or creepy sexiness or both. The bloodshed is notably lacking, but Night of the Demons definitely delivers a few golden moments of unease that harkens back to the Age of Schlock.

Night of the Demon’s Top 3 Awkward Moments
 

3. The Trick-Or-Treaters. Near the beginning of the movie, the stage is set for a night of Halloween trick-or-treating awesomeness. The movie immediately cuts in close on the trick-or-treat action and delivers an early and completely unexpected moment of awkwardness. Two trick-or-treaters knock on a door and some lady in a pink tutu answers. After the trick-or-treat, the lady turns around and bends over to grab the kids a handful of candy. As she bends over, her skirt lifts and reveals a some crotch cleavage. The two little girls both gawk and then flash the same disturbing grin. Whuh? None of the three characters ever appear again. It’s random. It has no bearing on the film. It sets high expectations for many more bizarre moments to follow.


It's an old lady's hoo-hah! Creepy giggle?
2. Any Scene Involving Angela. I guess I have to pick just one Angela scene. In the few short minutes before the movie goes all apeshit, Possessed Angela hits on every guy in the main cast—and a girl for good measure. Yes, she makes a move on Fat John Connor. In her final act before going all demon, Angela tries to entice one guy by deepthroating a wine bottle. She’s freaky. I’d run like hell, too, Guy Who’s About To Have His Entrails Feasted Upon.


Yep. She takes this metaphor much deeper.
1. The Lipstick. In the most notorious scene of the movie, Lily, who is now possessed by a demon, impresses her friends with a little magic trick before she does all sorts of demony things to them. Her trick? She jams a lipstick tube into her nipple, pulls it through her boob, and then yanks it out of her va-jay-jay—or so the filmmakers imply. All this while sporting a hilariously misplaced facial expression of uber-sexiness. Bravo!


Unspeakable acts are about to occur with this tube of lipstick.
Night of the Demons had potential for cult classic status. Then the ridiculous looking demons appeared and made little effort to achieve their long-awaited goal of world domination—they were more worried about making sweet demon-nookie in a bed of wiggling worms. Night of the Demons sprints out of the gate, but runs out of gas quickly thereafter. The bad guys kill the movie and that is unforgiveable in a genre that expects nothing short of greatness from its manslaughterers.


Here's your stupid demon.

Fangoria-thumping, horror geeks will probably find some 80’s-style schlock to love in Night of the Demons. I’m more of a casual observer of the horror genre and tend not to stray very far from the cozy confines of Freddy and Jason. There were brief flashes of brilliance, but overall this movie was weak. I’ll give it one-and-a-half stars for the awesome beginning.

Comments (6) Trackbacks (2)
  1. That sounds awful…………………………….geez make up better games Zen.

  2. Oh man! I love this game. It’s how I find most of my Netflix movies. You have to see Princess of Mars. Cheese to the max.

    • I checked out Princess of Mars on Netflix last night just to see what it was. We made it through 5 minutes of the stiff acting and awful effects before the Missus vetoed this selection and said, “Uh…Next.”

  3. I played this game the other night and went through two different Anime features before I found Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach. I was pleasantly surprised! Go ahead, check it out.


Leave a comment