I’m not one to make New Year’s resolutions. I suck at them. Every attempt at such year-long dedication has resulted in utter failure and led to subsequent feelings of guilt and worthlessness. If I resolve to lose weight, usually by January 5th I’m at Beef’s, slamming buffalo wings, drinking beer, and flipping off anyone who mentions how much I suck at resolutions. Have a beer and fail with me!
2011 will be different. 2011 is a good number—a prime number. It has to be a good year. This is it, the year before 2012, which will be the end of the whole fucking universe. That’s when galactic alignment, Mayan calendars, Revelations, Pleiadeans and all that other shit that lives in Barnes and Noble’s Metaphysical aisle becomes real. If you’re going to accomplish a goal, better do it this year or you will be immortalized as a miserable failure for all eternity. No pressure.
I’m not doing the clichéd, “I’m going to get in shape” resolution. I won’t be buying a thousand-dollar Bowflex contraption and swearing to chisel down to 5% bodyfat in just 15 minutes a day. However, I am looking at a set of Iron Master Quicklock dumbbells because the frustration of changing weights during P90X with spinlock dumbbells adds seven new gray hairs to my head every workout.
My resolution for 2011 is to be a writer. I’m tired of that lame, emo qualifier, “aspiring.” No aspiring. Fuck aspiring. Aspiring means a sporadically updated blog and a gig writing reviews for DVDTalk. While that gig was awesome, it also took away all my time to do, well, anything else.
My number one goal this year is to write a novel. From outline to fully-edited. The whole deal. I have a story baking in the cerebral brick oven. Mrs. Zenestex is working on it with me. If our wordsmithing can do the plot justice, you’re gonna love it. It’s not the sci-fi extravaganza that I have been tinkering with for half my life either. Extravaganza! I love that word. Writing it makes me feel like WWE owner, Vince McMahon, all red-faced and bulgy eyed, shouting the glories of his next pay-per-view event. I want to pop open my window right now and yell, in my best Vince McMahon impression, at the little bastard kids who shouldn’t be in my backyard. I need a fence.
My second goal is to keep my little corner of the internet regularly updated with good shit. I suck at posting on schedule, but suck I will no more. Yeah, that.
Aw hell, why stop there? 2012 is pretty much gonna suck for us heathens. I’m going all out in this two-thousand and eleventieth year. Let’s start.
I resolve to make a Lord of the Rings reference in a blog post. See the sentence three sentences ago? Yeah bitches! One down! And it counts even though this is being posted in 2010. Hey wait, does two-thousand and eleventieth mean 2011 or 2110? It means 2011 now.
I resolve to train my four-pound mutt that his name isn’t Asshole.
I resolve to quit calling my brother-in-laws gay. They’re not gay. They’re both pretty cool and good friends regardless of the video I have of one of them, whose name rhymes with Piss-Chin, giving fellatio to an overtly phallic snake balloon with disturbingly practiced technique. As long as the star of this video doesn’t ever hurt my sister-in-law, it’ll never debut on YouTube.
I resolve to get a new leather jacket. I was called out today at work for wearing a leather jacket from my high school years. Close. I got it my freshman year in college. This guy said he’s surprised it didn’t say, “Member’s Only.” Then he bellowed his fat-man laugh and jiggled out the door. Fat fuck.
I resolve to turn on my Wii this year.
I resolve to turn on my Nintendo DS this year.
I resolve to answer the telephone. I’m horrible about this. Most of the time I don’t even check to see who it is. And when I do check, most of the time I let it ring. Nothing personal, I do it to everyone. In 2011, I’ll pick up. Unless I hate you.
I resolve to stop watching movies just to see hot lesbian sex scenes. I’ll break this resolution the instant I watch Black Swan, so I may have to take this one back.
I resolve to work on my ridiculously short attention span. I can converse with someone, look them dead in the eye, nod my head in agreement, and then instantly forget every word they just said. Gone forever. I sometimes feel like Dory from Finding Nemo, floating through life in a thirty-second bubble of existence. I blame the internet and so do scientists. Yes, all of them.
I resolve to not let Star Wars: The Old Republic consume my life and ruin my ambitions once it is finally released this year.
I resolve to stop saying I’m a Jew or a Scientologist any time religion comes up in a conversation. I’m not. I’m just fucking with you.
I resolve to stop saying I’m a Socialist any time politics come up in a conversation. I’m not. I’m just fucking with you. And, regardless, socialism is an economic system not a political system. You’re probably thinking of communism when I say it. I’m also not a Communist. Now you know the difference between socialism and communism so you can stop using them interchangeably. Silly right-wingers.
I resolve to mule kick in the gut the next person who claims that Qdoba is better than Chipotle. They deserve it.
I resolve to get in shape. I know I said I wouldn’t resolve to do that, but I’m fickle.
I resolve to dote on my beautiful wife. She added this.
@ismellpaper And yet there is no one in the world I would rather work with than @zenestex @steve_nihan @wadamraby @earthwormjim10. - posted on 12/18/2015
@DuckRogers24 @zenestex Hah, thanks! You can find the show page at http://t.co/OYJJRTiM4u - posted on 01/30/2015
@OcarinaOfTom @zenestex How do I listen you seem like you have a cool voice! - posted on 01/30/2015
@OcarinaOfTom Gonna stop listening on the way to work. It just makes me wanna turn around, go home, and play games! Another great show! - posted on 01/30/2015
I ran 3.01 mi with @mapmyrun. Check out my route in Celebration, FL, United States! http://t.co/BsLH5s48Q1 #run #running - posted on 06/14/2014
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