New Year’s Resolutions for 2011

I’m not one to make New Year’s resolutions. I suck at them. Every attempt at such year-long dedication has resulted in utter failure and led to subsequent feelings of guilt and worthlessness. If I resolve to lose weight, usually by January 5th I’m at Beef’s, slamming buffalo wings, drinking beer, and flipping off anyone who mentions how much I suck at resolutions. Have a beer and fail with me!

2011 will be different. 2011 is a good number—a prime number. It has to be a good year. This is it, the year before 2012, which will be the end of the whole fucking universe. That’s when galactic alignment, Mayan calendars, Revelations, Pleiadeans and all that other shit that lives in Barnes and Noble’s Metaphysical aisle becomes real. If you’re going to accomplish a goal, better do it this year or you will be immortalized as a miserable failure for all eternity. No pressure.

I’m not doing the clichéd, “I’m going to get in shape” resolution. I won’t be buying a thousand-dollar Bowflex contraption and swearing to chisel down to 5% bodyfat in just 15 minutes a day. However, I am looking at a set of Iron Master Quicklock dumbbells because the frustration of changing weights during P90X with spinlock dumbbells adds seven new gray hairs to my head every workout.

My resolution for 2011 is to be a writer. I’m tired of that lame, emo qualifier, “aspiring.” No aspiring. Fuck aspiring. Aspiring means a sporadically updated blog and a gig writing reviews for DVDTalk. While that gig was awesome, it also took away all my time to do, well, anything else.

My number one goal this year is to write a novel. From outline to fully-edited. The whole deal. I have a story baking in the cerebral brick oven. Mrs. Zenestex is working on it with me. If our wordsmithing can do the plot justice, you’re gonna love it. It’s not the sci-fi extravaganza that I have been tinkering with for half my life either. Extravaganza! I love that word. Writing it makes me feel like WWE owner, Vince McMahon, all red-faced and bulgy eyed, shouting the glories of his next pay-per-view event. I want to pop open my window right now and yell, in my best Vince McMahon impression, at the little bastard kids who shouldn’t be in my backyard. I need a fence.

My second goal is to keep my little corner of the internet regularly updated with good shit. I suck at posting on schedule, but suck I will no more. Yeah, that.

Aw hell, why stop there? 2012 is pretty much gonna suck for us heathens. I’m going all out in this two-thousand and eleventieth year. Let’s start.

I resolve to make a Lord of the Rings reference in a blog post. See the sentence three sentences ago? Yeah bitches! One down! And it counts even though this is being posted in 2010. Hey wait, does two-thousand and eleventieth mean 2011 or 2110? It means 2011 now.

I resolve to train my four-pound mutt that his name isn’t Asshole.

I resolve to quit calling my brother-in-laws gay. They’re not gay. They’re both pretty cool and good friends regardless of the video I have of one of them, whose name rhymes with Piss-Chin, giving fellatio to an overtly phallic snake balloon with disturbingly practiced technique. As long as the star of this video doesn’t ever hurt my sister-in-law, it’ll never debut on YouTube.

I resolve to get a new leather jacket. I was called out today at work for wearing a leather jacket from my high school years. Close. I got it my freshman year in college. This guy said he’s surprised it didn’t say, “Member’s Only.” Then he bellowed his fat-man laugh and jiggled out the door. Fat fuck.

I resolve to turn on my Wii this year.

I resolve to turn on my Nintendo DS this year.

I resolve to answer the telephone. I’m horrible about this. Most of the time I don’t even check to see who it is. And when I do check, most of the time I let it ring. Nothing personal, I do it to everyone. In 2011, I’ll pick up. Unless I hate you.

I resolve to stop watching movies just to see hot lesbian sex scenes. I’ll break this resolution the instant I watch Black Swan, so I may have to take this one back.

I resolve to work on my ridiculously short attention span. I can converse with someone, look them dead in the eye, nod my head in agreement, and then instantly forget every word they just said. Gone forever. I sometimes feel like Dory from Finding Nemo, floating through life in a thirty-second bubble of existence. I blame the internet and so do scientists. Yes, all of them.

I resolve to not let Star Wars: The Old Republic consume my life and ruin my ambitions once it is finally released this year.

I resolve to stop saying I’m a Jew or a Scientologist any time religion comes up in a conversation. I’m not. I’m just fucking with you.

I resolve to stop saying I’m a Socialist any time politics come up in a conversation. I’m not. I’m just fucking with you. And, regardless, socialism is an economic system not a political system. You’re probably thinking of communism when I say it. I’m also not a Communist. Now you know the difference between socialism and communism so you can stop using them interchangeably. Silly right-wingers.

I resolve to mule kick in the gut the next person who claims that Qdoba is better than Chipotle. They deserve it.

I resolve to get in shape. I know I said I wouldn’t resolve to do that, but I’m fickle.

I resolve to dote on my beautiful wife. She added this.

Comments (18) Trackbacks (0)
  1. Great write up, had me laughing throughout. The attention span is genetic. Loved paragraph on 2012, Barnes and Noble Metaphysical aisle, hilarious. Can’t wait to read your first novel. If I was CEO of CBS, I’d replace Andy Rooney with Bobby D., you are a natural for that Gig.
    Happy New Year!

    • Thanks! Happy New Year to you, too!

      • Nice Article Neph, Kudos!!
        Resolution is another word for goal.
        And I wanted to write out my goal for 2011. So Here it goes…
        1. I am going to continue to spend more time with my family and count my blessing everyday-Do I hear an Amen?
        2. I am hoping that Le can stay with Liz so I can travel to Tampa and Cookout with My Bro Bob & Uncle Danny.
        3. Make a quick stop in Orlando, FL and spend quality time with my Family (Suyen & Frankie).
        4. Once I am done I wish to stay at your home (Bobby & Jess) and Panchaga for the last time!!
        Love you guys
        •°*”˜˜”*°•.¸☆ ★ ☆¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.¸☆
        ╔╗╔╦══╦═╦═╦╗╔╗ ★ ★ ★
        ║╚╝║══║═║═║╚╝║ ☆¸.•°*”˜˜…”*°•.¸☆
        ║╔╗║╔╗║╔╣╔╩╗╔╝ ★ NEW YEAR ☆ 2011
        ╚╝╚╩╝╚╩╝╚╝═╚╝ ♥¥☆★☆★☆¥♥ ★☆
        °*”˜★☆God Bless You all on 2011 ★☆”*°•.
        ¸.•°*”˜˜” Tio Musko Jimmy★☆

  2. When did you call me gay? Just so you know, I am not making that resolution, so just be prepared with a decent come back when it happens, homo. Bonus: you can’t use an HK reference when I do, either, gay-boy. And speaking of movies, True Grit. Nuff said. Great post man, keep em coming and I can’t wait for the novel.

  3. http://www.steveshapiro.com/2008/12/11/interesting-new-years-resolution-statistics/

    Good luck on your resolutions, you dirty Jew! I’m looking forward to more frequent posts here. Happy New Year!!

  4. I resolve to still visit Zenestex.com every day. Oh, wait! I do that now. It looks like you’re off to a good start. I was expecting to see…”Sal Alosi. What a Douche!” for the next 3 months.

    May the force be with you!
    Oh wait, Ben said you’re a Jew, so…May the Schwartz be with you! :)

  5. Good luck with your resolutions…I need to correct you about the Pleadians…they don’t agree with the 2012 prophecies.

  6. Qdoba is better than Chipotle. Your move Dradle spinner.

  7. Haha. Piss-chin. Awesome.

    Qdoba is crap when compared to Chipotle. I think an article is in order. Who is telling you such blasphemy?

  8. Qdoba really is better than Chipotle but neither is worth me ever visiting them again. Haha! Piss-Chin!

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