In my previous reviews of Doritos 1st and 2nd Degree Burn, I lamented the fact that
there was no 3rd Degree Burn to be found. 2nd Degree Burn, Buffalo Wing flavored
Doritos, had a heat that increased exponentially with each chip until you were clamoring
for something, anything, wet and diffuse the blaze. These 3rd Degree Burn Scorchin’
Habanero Doritos, if there were such thing, truly had to be something special.
The buzz was that they were discontinued and were no longer on store shelves. The
window of opportunity had passed and my review would forever be incomplete. Mr.
Dragon’s Fire Chips wasabi flavored Doritos were a suitable replacement given the
circumstances, but still, there was no way in hell could live with this result.
I searched gas stations, grocery stores, and convenience stores all over the city
to find the elusive 3rd Degree Burn Doritos. All I could ever find were the normal
Nacho Cheese, Cool Ranch, and 1st and 2nd Degree Burn Doritos.
Most things these days can be found a mere click away at sites such as Amazon, eBay,
or craigslist. I checked all the usual suspects to make the easy acquisition and
was shocked that 3rd Degree Burn Doritos were nowhere to be found. In fact, the
closest I came was an auction on eBay for a Doritos Burn store display with three
expired bags of Doritos—one of each Degree of Burn. This was it! I had no qualms
about eating slightly expired chips—that would be a mere asterisk on my review.
However, the seller thought he could swindle some sucker for $110 for the set. Not
Months after my quest began, I nearly gave up hope that I would ever find 3rd Degree
Burn Doritos. There were rumors, and rumors of rumors, about the chips appearing
on shelves in some faraway land known as the next county. Those were quickly refuted
with phone calls to confused, and perhaps slightly amused, sales clerks working
at these stores. With my hopes dashed, the article on Mr. Dragon’s Fire Chips was
to be the final chapter of this journey.
The day of the discovery, I was having a shitty morning. Most work mornings are
shitty, but this one was especially shitty because I forgot that I had maybe enough
gas to reach the gas station and fill-up. My dashboard reassured me that I had another
20-something miles before my car died, but I had never pushed the meter this low.
Besides, as I drove, that 20-something mile reading decreased much faster than it
should have. Stupid Fords. It was a race against distance, but with the AC off,
the windows rolled down, and driving like an old Florida bluehair, I had a slight
edge in the battle. I made it to the gas station and quenched my car’s thirst for
the refined, goopy remains of 100 million year old organisms.
To lessen the shittiness that was my morning, I stopped inside the 7-11 for a Monster
drink and a protein brownie. Of course the protein brownies were sold out, but I
had my Monster, so my mounting anger was appeased. On the way to the register I
saw the Doritos Burn bags in their usual spot, taunting me with their lack of a
3rdbrethren. Only, what was this? I didn’t know this crimson bag. Could it be 3rd
Degree Burn? This was no fluke! There was an entire shelf of them! I was rich! I
had the swallow the girly squeal of delight that formed in my throat and struggled
to play it cool. My Cheshire Cat smile spread from ear-to-ear. My first instinct
was to dive at the shelf before anybody else discovered this treasure, embrace the
bags of Doritos, and claim them for myself. No, I couldn’t get greedy. This newly
discovered vein of 3rd Degree Burn Doritos must be shared with the world. I would
merely take my fair share. I bought two bags and all but skipped back to my car.
It was turning out to be a good day.
Bow. You are in the presence of greatness.
3rd Degree Burn Scorchin’ Habanero Doritos are not modest about being hot. The bag
is colored the reddest red that Adobe Illustrator can generate. There are friggin’
flames on the bag. All the Doritos Burn flavors have flames, they just seem more
prominent on the 3rd Degree Burn packaging.
After opening the bag, a missile of spice assaults your senses. A look in the bag
reveals Doritos with spices colored almost as red as the bag itself. Boldly red.
They are so red, that you hesitate before touching them. Scorchin’ Habanero Doritos
are badass and they know it. Nevermind the fact that Habanero peppers aren’t usually red.
Fuck Habanero peppers! They just put that word on the bag as a warning, like a skull
and crossbones on poison bottles. These chips are deadly hot. Nuclear. Amongst peppers,
Habanero peppers rank near the top of the Scoville scale of spicy heat. Habanero
peppers are hot, these chips are hot, and so they named them. With their red spices,
they should have named them Scorchin’ Bhut Jolokia—the red pepper that stands alone
as the hottest in the world. However, many people won’t know what a Bhut Jolokia
is and those who do will only come away disappointed that, after scarfing down a
bag, their shit didn’t singe their intestinal tract on the way out.
Fire in a bag.
After work that day, I raced to the car. My intent was to wait until I got home,
but my excitement got the better of me. After driving for a few blocks, I tore into
the bag like a savage and ate the first chip. There is no exponential build up to
an inferno with 3rd Degree Burn. This heat is immediate and, for a snack chip, it
is intense. After hearing an intel report that more bags of 3rd Degree Burn Doritos
were seen at a nearby store, I stopped there to horde a few more bags and a bottle
of Pepsi Max to test the synergy as with my previous experiments.
A Scorchin' Habanero Dorito daring you to eat it.
As a side note, I think that Pepsi discontinued Cease Fire. Good. As I said before,
the whole Cease Fire thing was a lie. It reminded me of Mr. Pibb putting Xtra on
their labels to make you think there’s more something in there. Mr. Pibb never explained
Xtra what, they just threw it on the bottle and let our imaginations go crazy. The
implication was more caffeine, maybe even more sugar. More nothing. It was the same
old second-rate Mr. Pibb as always.
Like pouring gasoline on an inferno, taking a swig of Pepsi Max just made the heat
intensify. The heat lasted for over a half hour after finishing the bag. After that,
I was treated to nice case of the runs. Subsequent bags of 3rd Degree Burn didn’t
give me diarrhea-cha-cha-cha, so that may have been a fluke. But, it was still worth
Extreme close up! Whooooooaaaaaa!
Overall, 3rd Degree Burn Doritos were well worth the journey. The heat is of snacking
legend status—it holds its own amongst other fiery hot chips. The flavor is delicious. I’m not sure that it tastes like Habanero, but more of a nondescript, cheesy,
tangy, hell-on-earth, peppery flavor. These are the types of snacks that you eat
in front of your friends to prove your manhood. Eating Scorchin’ Habanero Doritos
will put hair on your chest. Proceed with caution ladies.