I can’t be the only one amused by the news stories that surfaced last week about
kids i-dosing on “digital drugs.” Silly kids! The newscasters, as per usual, overreacted
to a stupid kid trend and ran with the alarmist news stories that only cause even
more kids to seek out “digital drugs.”
I never even knew such a thing existed until the video clips of some Oklahoma newscast
warning about the dangers of digital drugs recently hit the internet. Digital drugs?
What the hell is that? The story explained that digital drugs are monotonous binaural
beats that you listen to with headphones, lying down in a relaxed state, with your
eyes closed. You mean kids are…meditating?! Oh, sweet Jesus! The slippery slope
is upon us! What will they do next? Yoga?
A quick Google search of “digital drugs” brought me straight to i-Doser.com—the
George Jung of digital crack dealers. They have an i-Doser application available
for the PC, Mac, and iPhone that plays their digital drug, hallucinogenic, self-help,
and relaxation tracks. I decided to go ahead and drop $5 on the iPhone app, which
comes with some full-length tracks and previews of other tracks to buy once you’ve
become a junkie. The tracks themselves run from $3 to $5. For the true marks, there
are two premium tracks, Hand of God and Gates of Hades, that run $200 a piece. Just
so you know, Hand of God is free on the iPhone app. In other words, you can buy
an iPod and then download the $5 app containing Hand of God for roughly the same
price as the track alone. Zenestex.com: Helping Fools Part With Their Money Since
I was in tears laughing at the YouTube videos of silly band wearing kids tripping
while sporting headphones and mom’s sleeping mask. I had to try these things out
for myself. I knew exactly what to expect. Not that I’m an aficionado of illegal
narcotics. I’ve never tried drugs in my life unless you count alcohol and caffeine
as drugs. Let’s rephrase that: I’ve never tried illegal drugs in my life and never
will. See Nancy Reagan? All your Say No To Drugs and Me-ology bullshit from the
80’s worked on someone. I’m still terrified of the word “peer” to this day. I avoid
its usage at all costs because, as a child, I was brainwashed into fearing the heinous
peer pressure. The cartoons of cigarette smoking kids with leather jackets giving
out drugs, which would hook me for all eternity,
were etched in my brain. Peer is Satan. So, I have no basis for comparison when I
try listening to a track labeled LSD to see how it fares against the real deal.
The description of the 30 minute LSD track said that I can expect an “increase in
energy (stimulation), increase in associative and creative thinking, mood lift,
increased awareness and appreciation, increased awareness of senses, closed and
open eye visuals, and a profound life-changing spiritual experience.” For this experiment,
I dove all in. I read the instructions and researched how to use these things. I
saw a video of another test with some middle-aged weirdo sitting at his computer
desk, eyes wide open, drinking Mountain Dew, and fidgeting the entire time like
5 year-old on a sugar-rush who was just scolded by his parents and told to sit in
the corner. Unlike him, I was determined to give these things a fair chance.
While reading the usage instructions, I realized that I have seen this shit before.
Yup, this is almost exactly how you meditate and prepare yourself for astral projection—just
with sound instead of dead silence. Confession time: I had a phase during my freshman
year in college where I wanted to induce an out of body experience, float to Mars,
and see if there really was a giant face and pyramids. Oh, and you’re so normal?
I-dosing is basically meditating with white noise. Nevertheless,
I threw on my headphones, turned off the lights, laid back, closed my eyes and loaded
up the LSD track.
The tracks seem to consist of three parts: random sound bites such as astronauts
on the moon or generic music, static, and binaural beats. The binaural sounds are
similar to the tones in a hearing test, but they are much more audible and quickly
alternate from left ear to right ear. The effect is a little dizzying at first,
but not a big deal.
If the effects of LSD are anything like that track, then drug addicts are bigger
tools than I ever imagined. No, I’m not that naïve. I realize that real LSD must have
more than a placebo effect—the CIA doesn’t fart around when it develops a drug to
control a social uprising. The LSD i-Doser track, however, had no more effect than
an average meditation. While listening to it, I achieved a state of full relaxation,
cleared my mind, and then fell asleep about ¾ of the way through the track. I’ll
admit it, I had some fucked up dreams when I fell asleep. I chalk that up to having
bizarre noises being shot straight into my eardrums. It’s the same thing as sleeping
with the television turned on. That scammer who looks like Daniel Larusso and tries
to sell you a DVD about flipping houses also sneaks into my dreams every time that
infomercial is on in the middle of the night. I hate that guy.
Listening to the LSD track wasn’t some spiritual journey through the depths of my
soul. It was just a weird dream. Most are. I won’t go into the details of the dream.
I hate dream sequences in fiction stories and I hate listening to people’s real
dreams even more. So I would never subject you to that. People are always trying
to derive some sort of sage wisdom or hidden prophetic message from their dreams.
Basically, they are giving a vague self-psychic reading that can mean almost anything.
I wasn’t about to try all the tracks that came with i-Doser, but I did try a few
others including the Hand of God, Astral Projection, Out of Body Experience, and
Marijuana. Like the LSD track, none of these tracks had any more effect than your
average meditation. Not even the Premium, $200 Hand of God track did anything more
than relax me. I did not experience “fluttering eyelids, great and almost supernatural
clairvoyance, rings of light, and great insight.” Just 15 minutes of chill time.
For the different tracks, the i-Doser elves just vary the sounds, the volume, and
frequency of the binaural beats.
Parents, fear not! “Digital drugs” are bullshit. I really wanted these things to
work, too. It would’ve made a much better article if I could have scribed an ode
to How I Got High Listening to my iPhone. Instead, they just took binaural beats,
which have been used for years for relaxation and meditation, and slapped drug names
on them to get attention. The fact that I am writing this article is proof that
their evil plan worked. You know, I can’t blame the parents for being concerned.
If I had a kid and they were listening to a track entitled Cocaine that wasn’t made
by Eric Clapton, then I’d be pissed, too. Kids, if you must participate in this
ridiculous fad, save your money, download Gnaural, and roll your own tracks.