The Quest For 3rd Degree Burn Doritos
In my previous reviews of Doritos 1st and 2nd Degree Burn, I lamented the fact that there was no 3rd Degree Burn to be found. 2nd Degree Burn, Buffalo Wing flavored Doritos, had a heat that increased exponentially with each chip until you were clamoring for something, anything, wet and diffuse the blaze. These 3rd Degree Burn Scorchin’ Habanero Doritos, if there were such thing, truly had to be something special.
The buzz was that they were discontinued and were no longer on store shelves. The window of opportunity had passed and my review would forever be incomplete. Mr. Dragon’s Fire Chips wasabi flavored Doritos were a suitable replacement given the circumstances, but still, there was no way in hell could live with this result. I searched gas stations, grocery stores, and convenience stores all over the city to find the elusive 3rd Degree Burn Doritos. All I could ever find were the normal Nacho Cheese, Cool Ranch, and 1st and 2nd Degree Burn Doritos.
Digital Drugs: Stupid Kid Fad or the Real Deal?
I can’t be the only one amused by the news stories that surfaced last week about kids i-dosing on “digital drugs.” Silly kids! The newscasters, as per usual, overreacted to a stupid kid trend and ran with the alarmist news stories that only cause even more kids to seek out “digital drugs.”
I never even knew such a thing existed until the video clips of some Oklahoma newscast warning about the dangers of digital drugs recently hit the internet. Digital drugs? What the hell is that? The story explained that digital drugs are monotonous binaural beats that you listen to with headphones, lying down in a relaxed state, with your eyes closed. You mean kids are…meditating?! Oh, sweet Jesus! The slippery slope is upon us! What will they do next? Yoga?
Sega Visions: The Magazine That Turned Me To The Darkside
In the late 80’s and early 90’s there were two distinct camps of gamers: Nintendo fans and Sega fans. There were no Sega fans in my circle of friends. In fact, I didn’t know of anyone who had a Sega. Yet we assumed they were out there because we, Nintendo fans, needed an enemy. There were rumors of friends of friends who had a Sega Master System. I never saw these friends or their Sega’s, so I called shenanigans on these claims. I was a staunch Mario 3 playing, Nintendo Cereal eating, The Wizard watching, Nintendo Power subscribing, Power Glove wearing Nintendo fanatic. Sega was crap. No, it was more than crap. It was shit. Nobody owned a Sega and if you did, you were an idiot. I had never actually played a Sega. My hatred was blind, but it was pure. Sega was anti-Nintendo, therefore I was anti-Sega. Then, the Sega Genesis was released.
My anti-Sega stance weakened every time I had to jiggle a cartridge back to life in the old Nintendo Entertainment System. You remember the ritual. You put the cartridge in the NES, press it down, and pray to the gaming gods that it worked the first time. Rarely would you achieve such a lucky press. More likely, the gaming gods shat on your prayers and laughed maniacally as they gave you a flicker of hope and then eternal blackness. You knew this would be a war. You took the cartridge back out, blew in it, and placed it back in the system. A flicker, perhaps a few random colored pixels, and then blackness. You jiggled the cartridge as it laid in the NES. Flicker, nothing, flicker, nothing. You began to sweat. You held the Reset button for 5 seconds. Nothing. 10 seconds. Nothing. You tried the little trick you learned in ‘Nam where you placed the cartridge in the NES as closely to the edge as possible and snapped it down. Nothing. You questioned how much you really wanted to play this game, but you gathered your wits, yelled out a giant “Fuck You!” to the gaming gods and entrenched yourself for the coming battle. You repeated these same steps perhaps 30 more times, cursing loud enough to vent your frustrations, but quiet enough to not get grounded for two weeks. Finally, the gaming gods decided that you had been punished enough for lying to Santa Claus about being a good kid and they blessed you with Nintendo goodness.
Mr. Dragon’s Fire Chips: The Review
Here’s an addendum to the synergistic explosion of flavor experiment that I conducted a few months ago between Doritos and Pepsi Max: Cease Fire. I was recently putting together a purchase at an online Japanese retailer when I discovered wasabi flavored Doritos on the site. Of course this snack would be added to my purchase, if for no other reason than to continue my Doritos experiments. However, I didn’t realize how outrageous shipping costs are when you order a bunch of shit from Japan. I needed time to rethink my order. Did I really need an ear cleaning scoop with a mini origami bird hanging from the tip? Well, yes I do actually. What about that microwave potato chip maker? Yup, that stays. The badass Starscream figure? Mine! I’m such a nerd. I could find most of the Japanese snacks at Epcot, though. Wasabi Doritos, along with the other Japanese snacks, would have to wait.
On the way up to Atlanta, Georgia last week, we stopped at a 7-11 for some snacks and gas. In the store, my eyes were immediately drawn to a lime green bag of Doritos called Mr. Dragon’s Fire Chips. Out of reflex, my arm snatched two bags for the 8 hour trek. It wasn’t until I gave the bags a second glance at the checkout counter that it dawned on me just what kind of treasure I had stumbled upon. These were Wasabi Doritos! Here! In America! Without the ludicrous shipping charge!