A Day at the Theme Park Formerly Known As MGM Studios

I have been reading about Star Wars Weekends ad naseum on my Facebook news feed the past few weeks. I’m a fan of Disney World’s Facebook page and as punishment they spam me every day hyping their events, hotels, and restaurants. I finally decided to take the plunge and see what this Star Wars Weekend was all about.

We arrived at Hollywood Studios just after high noon. This June day was blistering hot and the air was drenched with humidity. I felt sweat beading on my back and forehead the very moment I left the comforts of my ice cold car in the parking lot. With Star Wars Weekend signage everywhere, I was excited about what awaited us beyond the turnstiles in the park. We made our way through the gates and into the park and…nothing. Same old Hollywood Studios as ever except there was a little girl dressed as Padme wandering around with her parents. What a letdown. I knew the heart of this event would be at the god awful Star Tours ride, but I wanted to make sure that I had the Aerosmith ride FastPassed for later. So we went that direction first and took care of business. Still, I wondered what all the fuss was about if this event was only being held where a Star Wars themed area already exists. Hey kids, it's Mickey Mouse Weekend at the Magic Kingdom! We wandered the park, braved the heat, ogled at the candy store, and searched in vain for this so-called Star Wars Weekend.

I love you, Hollywood Studios Candy Store. 

I love the Florida heat. I crave the soupy humidity. This past winter sucked and lasted what felt like an eternity. It couldn’t warm up soon enough. Mother Nature, however, has a wicked sense of humor. She withheld the heat this year until you were begging for it. And finally, the masses pleaded for a little heat to save them from the frigid winter. “Oh, you mean THIS HEAT,” said Mother Nature as she turned the Heat knob to 11. "AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAaaaaaaaaa!" Evil bitch.

This June afternoon was hot as balls. British tourists were melting into little Wicked Witch of the West puddles everywhere I looked. I was pissed that there was no Star Wars anywhere to be found, which only made it feel hotter. On our way to the Star Tours area, we passed by American Idol: The Experience. The attendants at the gate excitedly waved us in with promises of cushioned seats and an air conditioned escape from the Venus-like, oppressive heat of a Florida summer. Well, Hurricane season anyway—summer’s still not for a few more weeks.

With my clothes drenched in sweat and feet aching from wearing my Vibram Five Fingers for the first time in months, we took the bait. I felt as if I was walking into a trap—like a hungry stray cat, lured in by the sweet smells of fresh Meow Mix placed suspiciously inside a wire cage with the door left invitingly open. I had no doubt that, in exchange for my weakness, I would soon be singing on stage in front of 200 complete strangers. However, I cast my fears aside and found a seat next to an Australian dude wearing a Crocodile Dundee hat. I want to live in Australia just so I, too, can wear that hat.

I’m a complete sucker for cheesy theme park shows. I love them. The ridiculous scripts, the hammy overacting, the obligatory bit featuring badly synched dialogue between the live host and a pre-recorded video of a B-list celebrity, the forced smiles of actors that have to put on this exact same performance 20 times a day. It’s all part of the charm. This was the first time I had ever seen American Idol: The Experience; it easily ranks up there as one of my favorite theme park shows of all time.

The Experience simulates how it feels to be live on the set of American Idol while it airs. The set itself looks amazing and about how I imagine the American Idol set would appear in real life—only smaller. The cast are obviously doing their best impression of their real life counterparts. The guy who does Ryan Seacrest looks somewhat like the real thing, but much more like Steve Zahn from Joy Ride. The judges include a “dawg” dropping black guy who does a decent impression of Randy Jackson, a blonde chick who sits in the middle that plays a slightly less drunk and far more constructive Paula Abdul, and finally some mope who plays a grumpy, idiotic, American version of Simon Cowell.

The judges. Sorry for the poor quality of the pics. My camera battery was dead so I had to use my cell camera 

I spent the entire show trying to decide if the “contestants” were real or if the whole thing was a work. My conclusion was 2/3 of the contestants were real. The first contestant was my pick as the plant. This girl had no family or friends in the crowd. She looked overly touristy with her Space Mountain t-shirt, bright green shorts, and pink and white kicks. The girl was the only contestant with no bio or any real background information. She just got advice from a video of Jordin Sparks right before she sang a lazy, halfhearted rendition of “Walking On Sunshine,” which has always sucked no matter who sang it. Needless to say, she got blasted by the judges and didn’t seem the least bit fazed. Shenanigans!

Survey Says? This contestant was fake! 

The next contestant I am conflicted about, but my vote goes to him being real. His bio was current. They talked about his graduation from a local high school the week before. He appeared the right age and seemed to have a few friends in the audience. My only issue was that he wasn’t nearly nervous enough. The kid looked like the type who would be a nervous wreck on stage. He hid it well. I was about to call bullshit on the entire show until this kid started singing “What a Wonderful World” and did this bizarre circling motion with his left hand through the entire performance. Even the judges called him out saying he was casting Harry Potter spells. They quickly backtracked on the statement when they realized that Harry Potter is owned by that “other park.” I was starting to truly love this show.

Until the judges ragged on him for the Harry Potter spell casting movements, I was leaning towards calling him fake, too. 

The final contestant had a loud, raucous cheering section that all looked like male and female versions of the contestant at various stages in life. I safely assumed they were family. She sang a pretty damn good version of “Black Velvet.” After she sang, my wife swore that she had seen her perform at the Daquiri Deck in St. Pete. I was sold and so were the judges who lavished her with praise. Except the Simon Cowell wannabe who was trying too hard to be an ass. He begrudgingly gave some backhanded compliments, but just came across as an idiot who knows nothing about music. Simon’s mean, but he is usually dead on with his criticism.

The contestants and the host. The girl on the right won. She sounded pretty good! 

After the performances we all got to vote using the buttons on the armrest. I voted for the third contestant. At the end, they reveal the results with all the suspense and buildup of the actual show. The first contestant was all but rolling her eyes at the whole charade. There’s no doubt that she sees this act several times a day. My third contestant won and her family went wild. This was awesome!

Supposedly they have this show going all day and the winning contestants face off in the finale later on. We later passed by an area called American Idol: The Audition Experience, which confirmed my conclusion that at least one of the contestants, probably two, were real. I later found out that the daily winner gets a reservation at the next real American Idol tryout—they get to skip the first line. Sometime this summer, I’m heading back to see a few more of these shows and sit in on the finale. Theme Park Formerly Known As MGM Studios, you have a winner!

Which brings me back to Star Wars Weekends. What a scam! We left American Idol: The Experience and made our way to Star Tours. What did we find? A couple of cosplayers dressed up as Darth Vader and some Storm Troopers dueling little kids in quick, rehearsed lightsaber battles. Fun for the kids, I guess. We hit the Star Wars gift shop, which was at least three times more packed than usual. Chewbacca was outside in the sweltering heat, posing for pictures if you were willing to stand in line for 30 minutes. There was nothing more to Star Wars Weekends than what you can find at any nerd convention in America—only the merchandise costed twice as much and there was less selection. I was tempted to create a dual bladed Sith lightsaber in the Build-Your-Own Lightsaber part of the gift shop, but once again, I was dissuaded by the long line.

The only Star Wars Weekend picture I took. It was a half-assed picture, just like the event. 

We circled the park a couple of times and found various smatterings of mini Star Wars events here and there such as Darth Vader posing for pictures and Minnie Mouse dressed as Princess Leia. We still had an hour and a half before the Aerosmith Rockin' Roller Coaster FastPass was ready. There was also supposed to be a Star Wars parade later and a martial arts demo by Darth Maul, but we decided the park was way too packed and it was too hot, so we left to spend some hard earned cash on Japanese candy at Epcot’s World Showcase.

Star Wars Weekends was a letdown, but I guess if you’re not the type to hit a nerd convention and want your picture with Darth Vader, then it works. I just wouldn’t go there specifically for the event. It’s like the Magic Kingdom advertising a “Pirates of the Carribean Weekend” and then just having a Jack Sparrow imitator sword fight with kids outside the ride. Oh wait, I think they have actually pulled that scam, too.