9—Christina Applegate (Married With Children, Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s
Dead): There wasn’t a boy in my 6th grade class that wasn’t totally
in love with Kelly Bundy from Married With Children. Kelly was so completely,
hopelessly, dumb that it only magnified her hotness exponentially. At the time,
ditzy was cool. All the cool girls in our class were like “I duh-no-o-o-o-o.” We
were enamored with airheaded chicks who hairsprayed their way through life—and Kelly
Bundy was the Queen of Vacuous, the Fair Maiden of Aqua-Net. Somehow I don’t think
Kelly Bundy would work today. Ditzy just isn’t hot anymore—or maybe it still is
and I am just getting old and grumpy.
When Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead debuted 1991, my friends and I
were immediately hooked by the trailer. Christina Applegate was there in all her
glorious, early 90’s, fan-haired, shoulderpad wearing hotness. To seal the deal they
threw in one funny ass headbanger who shoots the dishes when he’s asked to finish
them. “Dishes are done, man! eHeh heh heh ehe” That trailer had us totally captivated
and there was nothing that would stop us from seeing it on opening night.
I have to admit: at the time I still could not quite separate characters from the
real actors. I was completely shocked that her character in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s
Dead was actually kind of smart. Well, “smart” is probably not the right
description for her character Sue Ellen. If she were smart, she would have fessed
up that the babysitter died and spared her younger siblings from some unecessary,
yet still amusing, pain and agony. Instead Sue Ellen played mommy for a summer and
Forrest Gumped her way into a fashion designer gig. She was smokin’ hot either way.
Literally. If only she didn’t smoke like a fiend in that movie, Christina Applegate
would have ranked much higher on my all-time childhood crushes list. Nasty habit!
Nothing says 80's like chicks with big hair posing with birds of prey
If I become President, my first bill will be to require all ladies to wear football
jerseys for pajamas. Cooper in 2016!
Where is she now?
After slumming it on Married With Children until 1997, Christina Applegate
completely disappeared—to me anyway. Actually she fell off my radar well before
that because Married With Children became entirely unfunny to me in my well-refined
high school years. Oddly enough, I think that show is absolutely hilarious today—yet
more proof that college makes you dumber. Avoid it, kids. College rots yer brains!
I was completely shocked when Christina Applegate appeared on the screen in Will
Ferrell’s Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. I was even more shocked
that she was noticeably older. Somehow I figured Christina Applegate would always
look and act like Kelly Bundy. Then dawned on me that I was getting older also.
My whole world fell apart that night. I wasn't even carded for beer later on.
Thanks, Anchorman. Stupid movie.
Since Anchorman, Christina Applegate has starred in a few films such as Employee
of the Month and The Rocker. She also had the lead role for two years
in the sitcom Samantha Who? until it was canned in 2009. Sadly, Christina
Applegate was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2008 and had to receive a double mastectomy.
She fully recovered and is still looking all hot and smart to this day.
Christina Applegate somewhere, posing for something, looking older than Kelly Bundy
The Rocker again. Chicks that play Rock Band are HAWT