Zenestex
21May/092

Old People Farts

I went to pick up my daughter at school since it was an early out day. I had to drop off a prescription at CVS so we stopped on the way home. In front of me in a car was a Senior Citizen (Male) that I will call Fred. I really don't know him or his name but for a better story, I picked Fred. Well Fred was driving the required old person car--a Cadillac--and pulls up front. I pulled on the other side of the handicap parking slots and got out with my daughter. Fred quickly walks up in front of us and then proceeds to take his time walking back to the pharmacy. Fred doesn't walk to one side but down the middle of the isle. So, I think to myself that a few more seconds won't matter, he is my elder. I am supposed to respect my elders so no big deal, we will patiently walk behind him and I can show my daughter that I can be a patient man and respect the order of life.

Well Fred then slows down some more and proceeds to rip the biggest fart. I mean that not only did we obviously hear it and immediately look at each other in amusement, but half of the store heard it. To add insult to injury, the old fart (pun intended) doesn't say excuse me, oops or kiss my ass. My only failure in the situation was that I was still in the respect your elder thoughts when it happened; I didn't come back with a witty come back like, “excuse me, were you talking to me?” or “boy, I bet you are glad that wasn't a shart!” No, I said nothing other than cut a look at my daughter saying to myself, “never say that your dad embarrasses you in public ever again”.

In retrospect, two lessons come to mind. One: no good deed goes unpunished or someone will always shit on you given the chance. Two: always be prepared to be a smart ass and have a comeback ready. The occasions do not always present themselves and finally, only in Florida does a senior citizen think nothing of ripping a loud fart in a public place.

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  1. I, for one, eagerly anticipate old age when I can be an asshole to every one and fart whenever I please. People just brush you off and say, “he's just old.” Old dudes got it made.

  2. It is amazing what old people get away with.  Cutting in line, saying whatever comes to mind, farting in public.  It is like you are a child again and everyone accepts it.


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