The Appeasement of an Angry God

The party preparations began innocently enough for the two heroes. They arrived at the community center a couple of hours before the start of the party to help out with the decorations. Bobby and Security Gawd were relegated to balloon inflation duty in a corner far away from everyone else. They were both well aware of the conspiracy afoot to keep them at a safe distance from any vital activities such as setting up electronics or food preparation. However, even something as innocuous as inflating balloons would be fraught with peril for the pair of bumbling ne'er-do-wells.

After threatening to scare the piss out of kids at Disney World while performing the mandatory helium voice trick, the two settled into a tedious routine of inflating balloons. Bobby inflated the balloons and tied them with ribbon. Meanwhile, Security Gawd put them together in arrangements of one shiny balloon, two red balloons, and two white balloons. Things were moving along at a nice clip.

“We should be done in no time at all,” said Bobby as he surveyed their progress. “Just a few more bundles and we can finally do something useful.”

Bored with being an automaton on the balloon inflation assembly line, Bobby blew up a balloon in his mouth and held it there. He intended to let it slip from his mouth to see where it would fly and what mischief it would cause. Security Gawd noticed Bobby's scheming and promptly foiled these plans by popping the balloon while it was still in Bobby's mouth. The balloon murder for Security Gawd's mere amusement was the event that angered Him.

Then, after the balloon popped in Bobby's face, Security Gawd bellowed with laughter and beamed a victorious smile to all who witnessed his transgressions. “You should have seen your face! Har-har-har-harrrrr!!” Little did Security Gawd realize that his laughter not only taunted Bobby, but incensed a short-tempered deity who exacts his judgment with swiftness and ruthless authority: The Balloon God.

The Balloon God along with some henchmen. (Artist's Rendering)

In the seconds that followed the balloon popping incident, another balloon popped that was already tied in an arrangement at a table some ten feet away—POP! Then another balloon popped at the table next to that—POP! Then another went off—POP! And two more in succession—POP! POP! Random balloons were popping throughout the room and there was nothing anyone could do to predict which would be the next one to go.

“Saddam Hussein is bombing us!” Bobby yelled, quoting the Ben Affleck movie, Armageddon. The movie reference garnered no laughter from anyone in the room; everyone believed that the popping was caused by the two idiots up to no good. In fact, the quote just seemed to enrage the Balloon God even more. A few minutes later, another balloon popped. Then another immediately after that. Bobby was tying a balloon to seal in the helium—POP! Security Gawd was talking with a friend on the cell phone while standing near a balloon—POP!

A small sampling of the carnage.

The two heroes could not keep pace with the carnage. Soon the straightforward task of setting up seven arrangements of balloons seemed like a lost cause. After nearly a half hour of this random balloon popping mayhem, the two were so flustered that they began to scream like little girls who imagined a monster under the bed. They feared being within arms-reach of any inflated balloons and shivered with pure terror while handling the unstable, ticking time bombs with no clocks.

After trying desperately to pin down a cause for the balloon popping, they soon realized that they were not up against physics. They were up against a God. Bobby remembered the passage made famous by Jules in Pulp Fiction: “Ezekiel 25:17…and I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE!”

“Dude, the Balloon God is Old Testament. He destroys his own spawn just to punish us,” said Bobby as he recalled the drudgery of attending Sunday school during his childhood. Suddenly, it occurred to him: What did the poor souls living through Old Testament times do to appease their temperamental God? Why, they sacrificed animals and children of course! Knowing that sacrificing a kid may solve this problem, but lead to harsher long-term repercussions, Bobby offered Security Gawd the idea of sacrificing a virgin calf to the Balloon God.

Amidst the chaos, a lone virgin calf is willing to give her life so that we may survive.

Security Gawd eyeballed a balloon that wandered dangerously close into his personal space. “I like it. Let's do it,” he answered.

Earlier in the day, they found a small ceramic calf dressed as a nurse stationed under their table. The two heroes inflated balloons and tied them around the neck of the calf. Bobby suggested a noose. Security Gawd, for reasons he would not disclose, knew exactly how to tie one. He attempted to tie the noose, but was unable to saying he needed something similar to twine or rope. So they settled on simple double knots, hoping the Balloon God would accept such half-hearted measures.

It took a total of six balloons to get the calf to float. Security Gawd inflated one more balloon for good measure and tied the final balloon to the poor heifer's neck. They took their sacrifice outside and were accompanied by their loved ones for the ritual.

Bobby held the sacrificial calf and said “I feel like I should say something before we do this.” Unable to come up with any last words, he released the sacrifice. The calf flew dangerously close to the roofs of several cars. It only rose about six feet off the ground before drifting into the street. Bobby feared the worst and cringed at the thought of a car screeching by and shattering the calf, ruining mankind's last hope at staving off the Balloon God's great vengeance.

Bobby conducts the ceremony and offers the virgin calf to the Balloon God.

A stiff wind pulled the calf to a safe height. It maneuvered dangerously close to some power lines, but made it safely by. Just when it appeared to be clear sailing to the heavens, the sacrifice was caught by the greedy clutches of an old oak tree across the street. And there it hung—twenty feet in the air—their one chance at forgiveness.

The sacrifice was waylaid by the tree.

Bobby momentarily entertained the idea of trying to free the sacrifice, but then decided to flee the scene before the owners of the house noticed the culprits staring at their tree. The group followed Bobby back inside the community center. Security Gawd shrugged and said, “Well, I guess that'll have to do.”

Nobody was optimistic that the Balloon God had been appeased, but there was nothing more that could be done and the party was about to begin.

Epilogue: The party went over smoothly—well, relatively smoothly if you don't count the hackneyed Elvis impersonator that half the room mistook for a male stripper. That villain's powers were too strong for the dynamic duo to stop. The Balloon God, surprisingly, was quite pleased with his offering of a virgin calf and let the party go on. All it would have taken was one balloon to go off at an inopportune moment to ruin the entire affair—not to mention the disaster (re: hilarity) that would ensue if a chain of them blew up. But, not a single balloon popped once the sacrifice was made—they survived the bored, wandering minds of little kids, Elvis' shtick, and dancing. The day was saved and it was all thanks to the valiant efforts of Bobby and Security Gawd.

Although Bobby is quick to point out—such an effort would not have been required if Security Gawd wasn't such a douche and didn't anger the Balloon God in the first place.

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  1. Dude! I was laughing my tail off the entire time! I wonder if anyone not in attendance for the ritual will find this even remotely amusing. First off, popping the balloon in your face was hysterical. It was totally worth pissing off the Balloon God. Second, and lastly, I can't believe we were so petrified of stupid balloons for the entire evening!

  2. I'm glad you thought blowing up that balloon in my face was worth the torment; I had to suffer that AND the punishments of the Balloon God. You dick.

    I wondered if anyone else will find the story funny, also. I have my doubts, but I've been surprised before. That writing style is tough! I need the practice though.

  3. You failed to mention the string of obsinities that spewed from my mouth that would have made a sailor blush, and the fact that we were surrounded by many, very strict Baptists.

  4. LMAO Hilarity and good times. Man, I was laughing so hard I cried. I love the pictures.. especially "The Balloon God along with some henchmen. (Artist's Rendering)"

  5. I object! Balloons are found in the throats of animals that choked to death on the rubber. Essentially you all littered and could have caused harm to animals.

  6. SG–I had a direct quote from one of your profanity-laced tirades, but took it out at the end. Plus, you're still trying to get in good with the family; I'm trying not to remind them what a heathen you truly are.

    Cole, driving a car could possibly kill an animal. You object to transportation? Eating meat is the result of killing an animal. Are you a vegetarian? It's sad, yes, but you can't save them all. Hell, I clip apart the plastic that binds soda cans together since I heard they could possibly strangle sea turtles. Just don't hate on the balloons–you'll anger Him again.

  7. Great article, though the quote "Saddam Hussein is bombing us" is from "Armageddon" and not "ID4".

  8. Good catch Goldfish! It's fixed.

  9. Although I heard this story a few times throughout the party, it was still funny. You guys are dorks, of course, but still funny. I do wish I had witnessed Kevin's obscenity laced tirade in front of the fam, though.

  10. Obscenity laced tirades

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