Meat Harangue

My debut article was supposed to be inspired by the most Gawdly of muses. One rainy evening a few weeks ago, a certain someone announced that he would write a monologue admitting that he loves Hello Kitty. I was inspired. I promptly proclaimed that my first article would be a rebuttal to his. My thoughts then devolved into an internal dialogue of yokes about his feline love. Oh, the material.

If you don't know what a yoke is, boy have you been deprived. And before you hypothesize, it's not part of an egg. Don't go look up the definition; it's a concocted word. The term's origins are lost in the annals of time, but somehow yokes were unleashed. Yokes are a particular subcategory of stupid jokes. Typically spawned from way too much sugar, yokes are grammar-school jokes with some lightly-twisted meaning and they tickle me immensely.

However, I tire waiting to rebut Security Gawd's Ode, so I'll move on to a less dependent topic. A few weeks ago, attempting to comply with the traditions of my religion, I decided to give up meat for Lent. To be completely honest, I only decided to give up something for Lent because I felt like a bad Catholic. You see, my coworker gives up a butt-load of crap for Lent every year—hard stuff like caffeine and junk food. I haven't even tried to give up anything for Lent since I was a kid. At a very tender age, I realized that I don't have the resolve to give up stuff that I like for 40 days. So instead of continuing the self-defeating practice, I stopped giving things up for Lent.

Unequivocally, that was the best idea I ever had for Lent. Heck, it lasted for years and years. I even extended the notion in middle school and banned personal New Year's resolutions. I was proud that I had eliminated the flaw of the bogus promise. As those around me set themselves up for the inevitable downfall, I just moved through the days without a second thought. But my kingdom crumbled when a colleague announced her last junk-food meal for 40 days. Guilt overriding my simple truth, I racked my brain for something to give up. I didn't want to give up something good because I don't have that kind of stick-to-it-ness. Formulating the seemingly perfect abstention, I decided to give up meat.

The best part of my plan to give up meat for Lent involves the timing of HoneyBaked Ham. HoneyBaked Ham is simply the best ham ever. Pigs sacrificed to feed people should never become a ham other than HoneyBaked Ham. I've always figured that if it weren't for HoneyBaked Ham, I could go Vegetarian, no problem. That said, there are precisely two times a year that I always get HoneyBaked Ham; one is New Years. Ironically, the other is Easter, which just so happens to be the day Lent ends.

Confident that I could hold true to my meatless pledge, I felt like a born-again Catholic. OK, I wasn't about to go to church, but I felt good about my demonstration of faith. In theory, I'm totally on-board with the romantic symbolism of giving up something for Lent. In practice, I quickly realized two things.

First, people do not think I'm pious. Whenever that I admitted why I was avoiding meat and ordering a potato, I was met with disbelief. Most were just looks, but each and every member of my family replied with some version of "since when do you care about stuff like that?!" Now listen here, my kin, the only reason you were informed of my observance was due to my second revelation: I eat out a lot and pretty much everything that I order out is freaking-chicken. That's right: chicken tenders, chicken wraps, chicken salads, chicken and a side, kung pao chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken. So, I kept making due. I made it through about five, harassed, menu-searching days. Then, in one lapse of attentiveness, I absently ordered a shredded chicken salad. The second the plate hit the table, I realized my mistake. Not about to waste the poor, killed birdie and not about to anger my spit-ready server, I abandoned the meat-free diet and chalked it up to my sucky ability to fast. When I announced defeat to my husband he replied with the obligatory response, "since when are you Catholic?" Forget it, just forget it. I'm back to the one promise that I stumbled upon in my youth, I re-give up giving up stuff for Lent.

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  1. You said, "yokes are grammar-school jokes with some lightly-twisted meaning and they tickle me immensely." That doesn't do them justice. Ask a 6-year old to make a joke about any situation. That 6 year-old would come up with something more witty, roll his eyes at your "yoke," and do the retarded mock laugh/hand-to-chest slap. Here's an example: Recently, Zia was just sitting there laughing. "What's so funny?" I asked. Zia said, "Quacker! Cheese and Quackers! AHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" Nothing even brought this on. It was completely random. This is the hand I've been dealt.

  2. LOL, cheese and quackers still makes me laugh. It's gold.

  3. "cheese and quackers!" ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

  4. Don't encourage her. She says it's funny because both humans and ducks can say it. I just…fuck it.

  5. It is funny. Im still cracking up over it. “cheese and quackers.” It's the little things that entertain me, Bobby! LMFAO!!!!

    Heres the thing…. I'm catholic (only on the important holidays) and Lent to me is stressful. Giving up something you love takes dedication. I tried giving up chicken several times, and failed miserably. I commend people who go through with it. I, however have managed to cheat my way around it and not feel guilty for half ass'n it. Heres what you do: Find something that isn't too important to you and give it up. (LOL) It's not like your being a catholic slacker or unholy. Your being realistic. Everyone tries to give up the important things like chicken, ham, coffee, fish, everything for that matter. I say fuck it! Half ass it. Give up cookies or bubble gum. I gave up saying the word “cunt” (My favorite word of all time. I call everyone a cunt, even the mailman. “Thanks for the mail, cunt.” It tickles the hell out of me. I freakin love it. My morbid sense of humor at its finest). And you have no idea how hard it is for me to not say that word!! That might be wrong or unholy, but whatever. At least I'm participating in the “Catholic Game”

  6. LMAO. Cheese and Quackers. People at my work think I'm nuts now because I laughed so abruptly when I read Bobby's comment.

  7. Cheese and Quackers!!!! Good yoke! LOL :) hehe. Very funny article. See what Catholic school does to you!

  8. Loved the article!!! You guys are hilarious! I did laugh out loud at the whole cheese and quackers bit, and can be truly thankful that no one walked by my desk at that time so that I wouldn't have to explain it to them. I must say if you think that was funny, you should watch the latest South Park and hear all about the Queef Sisters… I truly understand the dilemma over giving something up for Lent. I gave up soda one year and I didn't drink a soda for a couple of years after that. I have found that I often times prefer drinking water now. If I do drink a soda it is too sweet and I have to chase it with water so I do feel as if I tested my resolve as well as being able to do something healthy. I felt like a good Catholic… The meat thing has usually never been an issue for me but I only gave it up on Fridays. I never tried to give it up for the whole Lenten season because I definitely wouldn't have made it. I love, love, love red meat and the idea of not being able to eat a sandwich, or a steak or something along those lines makes me want one now!! I give you props for trying…

  9. You gave up saying "cunt" for Lent?! Have I ever mentioned you're my favorite cousin? :)

  10. My first comment didn't post! that is upsetting. Anyway, the kitty article is in for editing now and should be completed and posted on Monday.

  11. Yes Bobby, I gave up saying "cunt" for Lent. I know its a little extreme but HEY at least I'm trying. In all fairness… "cunt" is in the majority of my everyday conversation. I called my boss a cunt by accident. I said, "Way to go cunt." When he spilled his coffee. He said, "Excuse me?!!!!!" And I just replied back, "Here you go, hun!" He said, "Oh I thought you said something else." And because I'm quick like a ninja I just batted my eyelashes and said, "What did you think I said?" LMAO! Of course he came back with…. "Nothing at all Li, Im just hearing things. Keep up the good work, Suga!" HA HA HA HA HA!!! God can't hate me for trying. I can't give up meat anyways, it's way too important. Bobby, your my FAVORITE cousin:)

  12. What yoke..!!! yak yak yak yak yak yak yak hehe hehehehe

  13. I have to say I am not laughing about the whole Quackers thing. Is it an inside joke?? LMAO that Ligia said "Cunt" to her boss. Now that is awesome! I would have to say on the former L-3 Ninja chart your quick turn into "Hun" would have advanced you up the Ninja scale rapidly. P.S. I think you are failing at lent since however infrequent you have managed to say your favorite word, you are still typing it!

  14. Ligia this is a thought for you or actually a new word for your repertoire…(drum roll please) "Twatswatter". It means just what you think it means. It is the female version of a cockblocker. So the next time you are out and a friend interferes with you hooking up tell her to quit being a twatswatter. Maybe using it will take the edge of giving up "Cunt" for lent.

  15. Twatswatter AHAHAHAHAA!!! That's even better than Hoo-Hah.

  16. Now in all fairness I did say that I would give up saying the word, "cunt" for Lent. However I never said that I couldn't write it out!!!!!! Cunt cunt cunt…. La La La…. Cunt cunt cunt. IM NOT SAYING IT:) Twatswatter?! How freakin fantastic is that word? I love it! I'm taking it! SOLD!

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