Hello Kitty Hell!

Hello Kitty, two little words that always bring a smile to my face. Oh, it isn’t for the reason you are thinking. I am not a Sanrio© Hello Kitty fan by any stretch of the imagination. I have, what I recently described to my friends over beers and bar food, “embraced the gayness” of Hello Kitty. Well, it turns out I should have thought that through just a little bit before I blurted that out. Sounds a little like I am now an HK fanatic (I have shortened Hello Kitty to HK, deal with it).

Sanrio© first designed HK back in 1974 as a simple vinyl coin purse. In the now 35 years of HK existence, Sanrio© has exploited this little mouthless creature for over $1 billion annually. If the products ranging from clothes and dolls to school supplies and home appliances aren’t enough for you, head over to Tokyo and join in the other 1.5 million obsessed HK fans and check out Sanrio Puroland, the official theme park. Yes, HK has her own theme park. No, I will not be visiting.

So, you are all now asking yourself “why is he talking about HK?” Well, the answer isn’t as simple as I would really like it to be. Hell, if it was simple, I wouldn’t be writing this article about it now, would I? Flash back about a year and a half ago. I was working alongside several avid readers of this forum along with Mr. Zenestex himself. I happened to run into one of my fellow co-workers at a local craft store while I was doing some shopping for a gift for my mother for the holidays. Evidentially there is a rule out there somewhere in the man’s bible that states, and I quote: No man may enter, inhabit, walk by, or even look at, let alone buy anything, at a craft store unless said store is on fire, is inhabited by creatures previously unseen, or sells beer. I missed that rule. The next day at work, I visited with previously stated readers and was instantly accosted about being seen in this craft store. To no avail I attempted to defend myself. Somehow, our little Chinese friend with her little Chinese ears decided that I was seen with my boyfriend in the HK shop in the mall. Really? How did we go from me shopping for a gift for my mother to me being gay and perusing items intended for young girls? Thus, Security Gawd’s supposed infatuation with this vile monstrosity was born.

One would hope that it would have stopped there. No, it gets better. At that current moment in time, there was only about three “friends” that teased me about HK relentlessly. For my birthday, just a few days later, I was greeted by these three “friends” with a birthday surprise. They gave me two HK marshmallow popsicles (which tasted like something between dehydrated potting soil and athletes foot powder) and a “Cute & Sweet” HK plush doll. Wow, thanks guys. What great friends you are. I have now entered into Hello Kitty Hell (HKHell). The gentle teasing continued for several months until I left that company to take my current position. I thought that was the end of it. I was wrong. Dead wrong. My friends suck.

Somehow, the three “friends” that instigated my entrance into HKHell found it fit to tell others, who in turn told others and so on and so forth. I didn’t realize the scope of this transgression until my first day at my new job. I located my new desk only to be horrified by the site of a brand new HK folder, HK sticky notes, and some other HK item I can’t recall. Fucking great, HK is not only following me, she is mocking me too! This is about the time I started “embracing the gayness” of being a male in HKHell. I still had the HK plush doll, so I decided to bring it into my new office and prove to everybody I am secure with my manhood. Bring it on! I even still use the HK folder to hold my annual training documents, as well as the HK sticky-notes.

Since I am man enough to embrace HK, I should be left alone, right? Wrong. Even my then girlfriend, now fiancée finds it fit to tease me. For my birthday several months ago, she bought me an HK birthday cake. Fuck. This stupid prank has gotten so out of hand that even her little cousins tease me. I am getting taunted by a 5 year old! Every time he goes anywhere and sees anything remotely HK, he blurts out how much I would love it. Even princess stuff isn’t safe from being grouped with HK. Sanrio© is obviously being run by the Anti-Christ.

The rest of the world isn’t helping my cause at all. HK, for some God forsaken reason, is gaining massive popularity now. MAC© brand makeup has come out with an HK line of makeup. If you haven’t seen it, spare yourself the indignity and don’t look it up. It appears to be best suited for a gothic stripper; very dark an ominous. I am left wondering what the hell Sanrio© was thinking? HK is supposed to be a sweet and innocent creature. Then it hit me. Sanrio© is prepping young girls to be whores. Think about it. Sanrio© and therefore HK come from Japan, where 78% of the world’s weird shit comes from.

See? Proof I didn't make that figure up!

You want to look up anything kinky and weird, type it in Google. What comes up? A Japanese site. I have a couple examples. Do you remember 2 Girls 1 Cup? Trust me, if you have seen it, you can’t get the images out of your head. However, the point is the 2 girls in question are Japanese. Another example is anime, more specifically, Manga, more specific yet, Manga porn. I don’t want to turn this into a rant about weird Japanese shit, so I will just leave that be. Ok, back to the popularity thing. You can’t turn your head now-a-days without running into something HK. It is everywhere. I will give you a very quick rundown on the recent objects I have run across. HK tattoos: (notice the one with the arm? Think about it for a minute, how does a mouthless creature take a bite out of a human arm? Never mind the fact that HK is obviously now a predator.)

What are the "Xs" for?

Mmmm, delicious flesh

"No false idols" doesn’t pertain to HK.

HK office products:

HK Appliances:

HK fanatics have this strange concept that Hello Kittyfying absolutely everything somehow makes whatever has been Hello Kittyfied cute (hint: it doesn’t). So, the world ends up with disasters like DomoKitty:

These are just a few of the items out there. Not even 1%. I kid you not. I did not show you the HK toaster I have in my kitchen. Yes, you read that correctly. I have an HK toaster. Not by choice of course. In fact I have a very nice toaster oven, so I really had no need for a toaster, let alone a pink and white toaster that leaves HK’s outline in the bread. The thing just screams gay. However, my future Father-in-Law saw this toaster one day and decided that I must have it. Yup, my HKHell is being stocked by all ages. I can’t escape! It is a wonder that I haven’t received HK pop tarts to use with it! What, you think I am making this shit up? You don’t think HK has made the jump to food? You poor, poor soul, HK has Kittyfyed everything. EVERYTHING!!! Nothing is safe anymore! Wine, FUCKING WINE! An adult beverage not intended for young children to consume has been infested with HK!! It is a disease I tell you! Who the hell are they trying to target with this shit? It is like back in the early 90’s when the parents were outraged when their children started smoking. What was the cause? Not bad parenting, nooooooo. That is never the case. It was because Camel© was using a cartoon as their logo. So why the fuck is this any different?!? ARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!!

Whew, calm down, I haven’t gotten to the crème de la crème of HKH. Sanrio© obviously hasn’t milked this cash cow for all it’s worth yet. Someone in the marketing department has realized they are only targeting half of the Earth’s population: women. Knowing this, they realized the need to Kittyfy men’s fashion. That’s right boys and girls; HK is no longer a sexist. While the entire idea of HK for men is disturbing, I sadly find myself waiting for these products to hit American soil. Luckily I can spare what little of my dignity I have left since Sanrio© hasn’t let these gloriously gay items cross the ocean. Yet.

Thank God we have already bought our wedding rings!

Well, now that you all hopefully realize the depth of HKHell I am in, you will cut me some fucking slack about HK! Keep up the teasing and I just may go on an HKHell induced rampage with some of these babies!

Something tells me these aren’t officially licensed Sanrio© products.

So I proudly and loudly say, “FUCK YOU SANRIO©!”