Stimulus Packages of the Gawd

I have been in the process of writing a few articles for this fantastic website. However, I hit a wall: Writer’s block. I didn’t know that writer’s block could affect someone who isn’t a writer by any stretch of the imagination, but yet it is there, looking me dead in the face, licking its lips. I explained my predicament to Mr. Zenestex who told me to just write through it. Start babbling away till something makes sense, then go with it and delete the babbles later. Ok, easy enough. So I did. What I ended up with surprised the hell out of me. Inside this fantastically oversized noggin of mine was a plan. (I am not saying that I have a big brain, it is quite the opposite. My head is freaking huge. It has its own gravitational field.) A great plan if I do say so myself; a plan so epic and awe inspiring that I have already booked my flight to Sweden to accept my Nobel Prize. Ladies and gentlemen, I, Security Gawd, have figured out how to save the economy.

We all know the economy is currently in the toilet. Corruption and greed runs rampant in the major corporations. Unemployment is at a staggering high and will soon reach 10%. The auto industry is in peril. The housing market completely sucks and banks won’t give you a loan to buy a house unless you have a credit score of at least 27,000. The easiest example I can give is AIG. Unless you have been living under a rock for the last six months, you know about this shit-stained company. AIG was deemed by congress as “too big to fail.” Really? So by that rationale, I can start a company, rake in billions of dollars of revenue, run it into the ground while throwing huge million dollar parties, and fly all over the world in my private jet. Then, when I go before congress all smug and tan from my recent trip to the Canary Islands, they will say that my company is “too big to fail” and give me three multi-billion dollar bailout packages. Best of all, they won’t have any oversight of how I spend the money. Sounds like the American Dream to me!

Well, let’s be real; we all know that I don’t have the drive and smarts to pull that off. What I do have is a smartass attitude, a penchant for trying to sound intelligent, and a love for this country that I have personally fought for in foreign lands. I am going to use these skills in conjunction with the fact that I love money. I present to you, two different stimulus packages to finally take the good ole U S of A out of this recession. Yes, you get to choose which one works the best!

Stimulus Package Number One. Code Name “Patriotic Retirement”:

According to the last census and factoring in the recent growth, then fall of employment, there are roughly 40 million American (read that again, American, not illegal aliens) people over the age of 50 currently holding jobs in America. Give each one of them one million dollars with three very strict stipulations.

  1. You must leave your job. Now. Take your coffee mug, rubber band ball, and picture of the family with you. Thank you very much for your time and service. Your hard work and dedication to the job has been a model for generations to come. BAM! 40 million jobs now available. Unemployment fixed.
  2. You must take a portion of the one million dollars and buy a new car. Not just any car—an American car. You know, Ford, Chrysler, Chevy, or—gasp--GM. NOT Toyota, Honda or Nissan. Stop whining, I now they are better cars, but you have a million dollars, what are you crying about? BAM! 40 million cars instantly sold. Big three auto makers saved.
  3. Take another portion of that one million dollar stimulus check and buy a new house, or pay off your current mortgage. BAM! Two for one here! Banks win and can safely write more loans for normal hard working Americans (again, AMERICANS!) AND the housing market is fixed.

It really is that simple. Since the government has no problem giving out money like it’s Christmas candy, a mere 40 trillion dollars is just a drop in the ocean. Now, I realize that this won’t fix everything, but it is a butterfly effect. 40 million out of work AMERICANS that now have jobs are getting an income. That means they can now afford to go out and buy cars, houses and clothes. The economy will get a jumpstart. No more ass pain for the banks with all their foreclosures.

Stimulus Package Number Two. Code Name” Zinc Zipper”: (Sounds cool, doesn’t it?)

Recently, the government in their infinite wisdom, decided to try and spur the economy with a 787 billion dollar bailout package. This did nothing. Many of the companies that received this money floundered it. Sure there are a few exceptions, but the majority spent it on booze, sex and drugs and are now begging for more handouts. Several even had the audacity to spend our hard-earned tax dollars in foreign countries. Dumb asses. They were allowed to do this because congress’ plan didn’t include any stipulations or oversight. Anyway, if the government really wants to spend 787 Billion dollars, why not spend it wisely. Here is my plan for that.

Separate the country into 787 different geographically separated zones. Number them 1-787. Easy enough so far. America consists of 3,537,441 glorious square miles. Therefore one zone equals 4,494.8 square miles. That is half the size of the state of New Jersey. (Florida is 65,757 square miles) Big area. Here is where the fun starts. Pick one responsible person in each of these zones. I will volunteer to be the one person for my zone: Zone #1. Give each of the 787 people in these zones one billion dollars with seven very strict stipulations.

  1. You must leave your job. I realize that doesn’t help out unemployment very much as only 787 jobs are now vacant, but bear with me here.
  2. Buy a new American car. HOWEVER, you can only buy from a dealership in your zone. Remember, zone 1. Again, 787 cars isn’t many, but still, hang in there, I am getting to something.
  3. Build a new house. Again, the house must sit completely in your zone. Zone #1. Two for one again here. It spurs the housing market a little and, since you need people to build the house, contractors now have jobs. Once again, only 787 houses, but I am almost there!
  4. Go down to the local unemployment office that also sits in Zone #1 and conduct job interviews. Hire several unemployed AMERICANS to work for you. Their tasks range from being your personal assistant, accountant, chauffer, butler, tailor, masseuse, gardener, the possibilities are endless. Hire as many as you want, but no less than 30. Remember, they all must be unemployed. No helping out friends with jobs already. The purpose is to cut unemployment.
  5. Spend as much money as you would like, but stay away from the massive chain stores like Wal-Mart, Home Depot and places like that. You can only buy from the little guys located in your zone.
  6. You must invest at least 50 million dollars into the stock market. This will spur trading and bring it back up over the 10,000 mark again.
  7. Now, like I stated, here is where the stimulus comes in. All of your new employees (remember, at least 30 of them) will have to buy a new AMERICAN car and a new house under the same rules that you were subjected to in number 2 and 3. You have a billion dollars, go ahead and give them a nice signing bonus. What did AIG call theirs? A retention bonus? Yeah, go with that.

This plan will take a little longer to take effect, but you are only spending a measly 787 billion dollars as opposed to 40 trillion. If all 787 lucky AMERICANS (myself included) follow these rules, that will pump a minimum of $39,350,000,000 into the failing stock market. That is 39 billion if you are having trouble counting the zeros. Not to mention, at a minimum 23,610 AMERICANS that now have jobs, cars and houses. Again, the butterfly effect happens. They now have money and can go out to dinner, buy nice clothes, pick up the street walkers, whatever they want.

See, I will now join in the ranks of, if not tower over, people like Paul Krugman, Edmund Phelps, Robert Mundell, Robert Lucas Junior, and Maurice Allais. What? You have no idea who these people are? Well, they are just a few of the previous winners of the Nobel Prize for Economics, regarded by all as the most prestigious of the six prizes. I won’t even rub it in your faces while I am driving around in my brand new Saleen S7 Twin Turbo on my way to my massive mansion on the Gulf Coast over looking my private marina and airport. And Bobby, you think my TV now is nice? Oh just wait!

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