Everyone rants from time to time about the everyday bullshit that is just nail-bitingly irritating. I, however, have managed to add a creative bitchy flair to the everyday rant—seeing as how my life is an ongoing rant. I feel like I have a force-field of ignorant energy that draws everything useless and time-consuming my way. In my efforts to avoid everything useless, I have curve balls thrown at me as if life is a steroid injected 5th grade bully throwing a dodgeball at a hefty-sized kid in a too-tight menudo shirt. Oh what humor this bully has, to pick on a defenseless porker with nowhere to hide. That, my friends, is the freaking story of my life. Without any further delay, I present to you my first rant on the Zenestex.com: Stankonya.

Wondering what a menudo shirt is? Now you know!

Let's start from the beginning. I am a Realtor and began my career with a certain company (that shall remain nameless). I was being harassed on a daily basis by a group of ladies (I like to call them “heifers on speed”). The bullying was ruff. To tell you the truth, I kinda thought they were after flower pot (you know my snatch). So, despite everything that I stand for, I sucked it up, cleared out my office, and joined another company. Kudos to them for employing festive people (meaning myself, naturally). Gracias for the lovely spacious office I have, too. Yes! No more freaking cubicle and an actual office with a door that I can shut, too. I spent hours just opening and shutting it (amazing what little things will entertain me). SCORE! The bathroom is conveniently located right next to my office. This is almost too perfect. Work is great! Almost a personal bathroom, my own office, no stalking heifers—I feel like a new woman!

But then tragedy struck (dramatic background music... Dun Dun Duunnnn)! A foul stench attacked my nostrils ninja-style and I couldn't get its kung fu death grip to let go. There was no escaping it. It was an unfamiliar odor. A mixture of smells, if you will. It was like my own personal bubble had been infiltrated with the toxic odors of rotting placenta and cabbage; infused with the unforgettable potent smell of the ever so popular 1985 Charlie perfume (conveniently found in all the finest drug stores or dollar trees in your area)! Yes, YES! In case you haven't already figured this out, I'll go ahead and write in all caps for you, so you can understand my discomfort: I SHARE THE SAME VENTS AS THE BATHROOM! That's right! My beloved large office is the f'n stinky office!

The vent in my office (left). The connected vent in the bathroom (right).

This is how I realized it: Friday afternoon I had my office door shut and was diligently working on the computer. When out of nowhere it sounded like there was someone benching 500lbs and kinda squealing with an occasional balloon slowly letting out air. It was then that I realized I needed to put on my Sherlock Holmes Thinking Hat? and investigate, double O' siete style. I slowly walk out of my office and, low and behold, the bathroom door was locked. I crept around the corner and hid behind a cubical. Swinging the bathroom door open comes this ginormous, beastly, manly looking woman (She-Ra on steroids, if you can even fathom that thought), almost running out the bathroom, with the stench of Charlie and afterbirth chasing her.

I was mortified! But it was too late. Hot garbage (the stench) had already secretly sunk its death claws into my poor nostrils. There was no escaping it! It was like I was playing hide and seek with a ghost—it would always find me. I was cornered by my worst nightmare, Stankonya. What was I to do? Fight an invisible beast with Lysol and mask the funk? I had to get some much needed paperwork done. I couldn't leave! So, I did the unthinkable!

HAHA!!! I'm a freaking genius!

Needless to say, I think the H.G.(Hot Garbage) made my nose hairs fall out!

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  1. LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Ligia? Is that you? really..wait until you move to the nacatameles chambers…LUV Ya mean it Tu Padre Jimmy **wink** LMAO

  3. Nice captions! Bobert

  4. This almost made me pee myself for a second time.

  5. Hey, it's still an office! I work in kind of a bullpen–there's no escape from my co-workers. None! But then again, I think I'll take that over the potent mix of HG, Charlie, and afterbirth.

  6. LMAO…..!!!!! I used to work with a gal who would just let em rip…anywhere in her office or anyone else's. We used to all run. She could clear out a whole department.

  7. Yeah…… Everytime I hear the bathroom door shut and the vent turn on…. I run out my office. I've got it down to an art! I'm a total ninja!!!!

  8. Hahaha….when you see this wide load going to the bathroom why don't you just lock her out or put an out of order sign on there….who's really going to just barge into a bathroom that has tape all over the door and out of order everywhere? Or better yet…I have some police caution tape in my car that you can use to put in the hallway after she walks into the bathroom…it'll be genius!

  9. LMAO. That's pretty foul. Great first rant! :) The Menudo pants disturbed me, however.

  10. OMG I couldn't take it. I would have to be moved. Better to be in a cubicle farm then in Stankonia land. I feel bad for you.

  11. First and foremost, bitch much needed paper work!! haha now that is funny, you havent had a closing much less a listing since you startd your real estate career.  And as to “your snatch” negative bitch, im sure that shit smells like strait up Ella's that has two cars a week!! And third please catch that fucking boat back to where you were illegally brought from!! You obviously have too much time on your hands to continue to think people really still think or talk about “LIGIA” (leeheeahhh), continue on with your lovely life of being a servant to your pee wee herman loser….KARMA has come to get you now.  Continue to smell the shit that flows through your vents because obviously you don't mean much to your new Real Estate company. Go back to slinging liquor bitch cuz at least youll have some money in your pokt so you don't have to ask daddy to borrow some money. Reality needs to kick in soon! Much LOvE!

  12. Glen, I dedicated an entire article to you.You should be ecstatic. Hope you find it didactical: Editing 101 for the TPT.

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