Oh Maple, How I Love Thee

By Zia

Bantering with Bobby about his last "almost daily" post reminded me of something he wrote in high school. Pulling out my scrapbook, I found that I had dutifully kept the story he wrote. Upon discovering my treasure, I decided to share this story with the readers of Zenestex.

Let me set the mood for this story. In 1996, Bobby being the generous guy that he is, decided to help me write one of the 25 short stories that I had to write for class the next day. (Procrastination really sucks right before due dates). He offered to write a short story for me and without encouragement, proceeded to write the following. As I don't cheat, I wouldn't have turned in the story even if it was usable, however, the laugh we got was well worth the time he invested. Enjoy the following story, presented with the permissions of the author.

The story—in all its chicken-scratch glory. The translated text is below.

There once was this tree. A tree so majestic it made all others pale in comparison. My name is Hakeem Jabamaodah. I ran into this tree, head first. Which would probably explain my little problem. You see, I am a psychotic freak, and it doesn't stop there. I now have an undying attraction for trees. You don't understand, I LOVE trees. There's this one named Maple, I love her. I just don't know how to tell her. All she does is stand there. I think she is more attracted to the little bird drilling a whole in her body. I don't understand how she can like him over me. There are cookies flying in the air! Chocolate Chip, too...Mmmm, chocolate. I think I'll give her water for her birthday. She always seems happier after a nice, cool, refreshing bucket of water. I am God. Oh, no! Somebody is getting ready to cut her down, I must stop him. (Abrupt switch to 3rd person omniscient) "You must not cut her down," said Hakeem, overbearingly. "We're building a mall here" exclaimed the lumberjack. "You'll kill my one and only love for a stinkin' mall, you make me sick!" replied Hakeem. "What the -bleep- are talkin' about you freak!" Hakeem then answered him, "I LOVE HER, LOOK!" (Abrupt switch to 1st person) I then went on to kiss the tree at the opening made by the woodpecker earlier today. "Will you marry me?" I asked Maple on bended knee. "As choked up as I am about this I must cut down this..." The man was interrupted by his cellular phone. "Hello?" YEEES! It's your very own...CALL FROM AL, and you're STUCK! "Oh, hi Al" the Lumberjack said with a sigh of disappointment. And just then I saw the light. A brilliant light that shone upon the tree. And a beautiful sight before my eyes and I heard a voice and it said "This is the Jones' please leave your name and number at the sound of the tone." The tree then morphed into a beautiful woman. Eyes like emeralds from the rolling Mountains of the Swiss. Hair like that of Chinese silk, and a face that'd make even the most happily married man alive lust for its sight. Her name was Maple, and she was my one and only love.

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