A few friends and I went to Melbourne, FL for the 4th of July weekend to stay at Cole’s Mother’s house. We had an absolutely incredible time setting off ridiculously large fireworks to “scare away birds,” tubing from a boat, airboating, eating great food, and drinking beer. Security Gawd was with us for the weekend getaway; the following article is his account of the weekend and the most glorious shit he has ever taken. Enjoy!
No matter how you celebrate a holiday, it is always a pleasure and joy to celebrate it with your close friends and family. With my family being about a thousand miles north of me, I don’t really have the option of heading up there just on a whim. I am always thankful when great friends invite me to celebrate the holidays with their families. Just such an occasion happened this past weekend for Independence Day. Several of us from the office joined up with the infamous “Cole” to spend the holiday in her hometown across the state with Cole’s Mother. It was an absolute blast that all of us will be recuperating from for several more days.
The weekend started off with all of us meeting at Cole’s house here in town and then carpooling over to the coast. Easy enough so far. It took us about two hours to reach our final destination, but it was well worth the trip. The east coast is beautiful. We didn’t waste much time at all tossing our bags in the house before we hit the beach. Surprisingly, the Atlantic looks exactly like the Gulf. I don’t quite know what I was expecting seeing how it is the exact same water. The main difference was the staggering amount of horny college kids. One member of our party received quite a bit of “eye traffic.” Maybe they have never seen a Chinese person before! Who knows. We got settled in a tiny spot of beach between “Man boobs” and scary foreigners. Between the sun and playing a lopsided game of 2 on 2 football, which surprisingly ended in a tie, we were all ready to start heading back home; not, however, before a quick pit stop at the world famous Ron Jon Surf Shop.
Once back at Cole’s Mother’s house, we all started to relax. There’s nothing better than sitting outside with an ice cold beer, talking and joking with great friends. BBQ was on the menu for the evening before The Most Elaborate Fireworks Display You Will Ever See From a Driveway™. I had no idea that the fireworks we set off were even available for purchase! Wow is the only way to describe the size of the explosions going off over head. When the day was over, it was time to hit the blow up mattress!
Saturday started off innocently enough. I woke up, took a shower, shaved, brushed my teeth, you know, the normal routine. Except something was missing. Had I forgotten to do something? I don’t know, nothing was coming to my mind. Oh well, guess it is just me being paranoid. We took our rental boat out and spent the entire day out in the river tubing and attempting to wakeboard. Damn, I need a boat now! Still, there it was, in the back of my mind like the annoying little mosquito trapped in your office that you just can’t seem to squish. What did I forget to do today? Those of you that know me well know that I am slightly OCD and am, therefore, a large creature of habit. If something is off, it bugs the ever living crap out of me.
We headed back to shore, everyone sunburned and exhausted from spending seven straight hours in the sun when I had a chat with Bobby. I don’t quite know how it happened, but as most male conversations go, ours was suddenly steered towards bodily functions. Maybe it was in remembrance of my glorious gaseous discharge that had everyone on the boat running towards the bow to escape the invisible green cloud of stench. Man, that one felt good. But I digress. Bobby and I were sitting there, talking about how neither of us have used the facilities to go “Number Two” since we arrived there a day and a half ago.
“Ahh HA! That is what I was missing this morning! “, I exclaimed to myself. I failed to accomplish the Triple S, the trifecta of morning rituals: Shit, Shower and Shave! How could this have happened? Was it the courteous side of me coming out since six of us had been sharing only two bathrooms in a strange house? No, couldn’t be, I am not one to cower away from any normal function. Hell, there is a bestselling book out there titled Everybody Poops. It must be true! However it happened, I was at once whole again. I figured out the disturbing puzzle piece that was the mornings confusion.
We went back to the house to get cleaned up before heading out to dinner. Everyone took their turns showering and putting on some decent smelling clothes for a nice dinner at the local roadhouse. CRAP! I forgot to do my duty! How does this keep happening? Oh well, there was nothing I could do about it then. Plus, for some odd reason, even though it has now been in excess of 40 hours, I really didn’t have the “urge.” Dinner was great, but somehow the longest topic of conversation was my awe inspiring far-ta. That is how good it was, I actually designated an entirely new word to describe it. You should have been there!
We went back to the house and watched what turned out to be the most disappointing UFC fight of all time. Oh it had its moments, but all in all, it wasn’t very entertaining. We headed off to bed since we were too tired to do anything more. That would turn out to be almost the worst decision I have ever made.
About 6:30 in the morning, I heard enough banging around and doors being slammed to assume everyone else is awake. No, 6:30 is way too early for this old man. I made an attempt to go back to sleep. Not more than 15 minutes later, the banging stopped, however I got that oh so familiar rumbling the in the bowels of my belly. The timer chimed, time to do the nasty. I rolled off my blow-up mattress taking extra care to clench my butt cheeks together. It is one of those moments where you are not sure if it is a fart or a nasty surprise. I better not chance it. I opened up my door and was horrified to see both bathroom doors closed. Shit. This isn’t good.
One of the bathroom doors was behind Cole’s Mother’s bedroom door and there was no light or sound coming from her bedroom. There was no way in hell I would wake her up for this. She had just met me; the last thing I wanted to do was destroy her bathroom with what will no doubt be a monster of a bowel movement. So I did what any other person in my situation would do. I walked quietly up to the other locked bathroom door and paused to listen. I hear a faint sound that signals the bathroom is occupied. Damn. Gotta hold this a little bit longer.
The hallway and adjacent rooms were all dark and there was no other sound. Everyone was still sleeping. How is that possible? Where did that loud racket come from? Was I dreaming it? Whatever happened, there was nothing that can be done from here. I turned around and stepped back into the bedroom I was sleeping in. I couldn’t sit down, no, that would put too much pressure on “the area” and cause a rupture.
I had to find something to take my mind off this. Ahhh, the company blackberry! I could check my emails, that should work just fine. Damnit to hell! The battery was dead and I didn’t pack the charger. Ok, don’t panic, I have my personal cell. I could play some games on that; poker normally passes the time quite well. I started playing, all the while pacing around my personal tiny prison cell of torture, listening for the liberating sound of a toilet flush. It didn’t come soon enough.
My mind began to wander for alternative methods of relief. I could use an empty water bottle for the liquid waste, but that would do anything to relieve the strain from behind. Scratch that one. There is always the backyard! They have dogs here, no one would know the difference! Wait, no, how would I wipe? What if I get caught? That would not be good. No, I had no choice. I quietly left the confines of my bedroom again in hopes that the door would magically be opened like a beacon only for me. No such luck. There it still sat, locked up, mocking me with the little sliver of light peeking up from below. I snuck up to the door and listened for a few more seconds just to ensure that there was someone actually in there. No sounds. Maybe someone just forgot to turn the light off. Could it really be that simple? No, can’t be, I would feel really stupid then! That can’t happen.
I wandered into the living room where two of the our group were sleeping. Yup, both there, even the little Asian with a bladder the size of a walnut. She was my main culprit. Damn, maybe there really is no one in there. Time to check. I walked back and calmly tapped on the door with my finger. “Yo” is all I hear come from the room in a very familiar and deep voice. Bobby you bastard! All I could do at this point was grunt. I assumed he got the point since I heard him finishing up. Still no flush. I had to keep pacing. Now this was just getting painful. I had to get some relief! Finally, the best sound in the world seeped through the walls. The toilet was being flushed! For the love of God Bobby, please don’t take the time to wash your hands!
The door opened and for what felt like an eternity, no one emerged. What the hell! Get out of there, don’t you realize I am about to explode here! Bobby finally emerged from the throne room with a huge self-satisfied smile on his face. I want that smile dammit! He cleared the door and I could finally see why he was in there so quietly: He was reading! For crying out loud! I am sitting here in pain and you are reading about flying dragons and sword wielding wenches? I could strangle you right now if I wasn’t so scared of emptying my insides on this tile floor!
“I would give it a few minutes if I were you,” he mumbled. Sorry big guy, no can do. It is now or never. I rushed in, closed the door and am instantly horrified. There wasn’t a lingering odor that I could detect, but there were several ominous skid marks in the bowl. Gross. Oh well, there was no time to ponder just how close my ass would be to last night’s dinner.
I sat down and was once again horrified. THE SEAT IS STILL WARM!!!! That is just nasty! I calmed down enough from the knowledge that my bare ass was touching the same object as Bobby’s bare ass just moments ago to finally get the relief I was waiting for. I am going to spare you the details about the colors and smells here. I will, however, tell you that it was the best dump I have ever taken. You know how some people get out of the bathroom and joke about how they just lost 10 pounds or how their pants now fit better? Well, in this case that was no joke. I really did lose 10 pounds and my shorts really did fit better.
After I finished, I sat there for a few seconds and relished in the feeling of completeness. Ahhhhh. Wow, it really smells in here, I gotta leave. I cleaned myself up and stood up to flush the discarded waste. Uh oh. There was quite a mess down there. I began to question whether or not it would all go down. I looked around the tiny room for a plunger just in case; my heart sank as my hunt came up empty. The only thing that flashed through my mind was the scene in Along Came Polly when Ben Stiller clogged Jennifer Aniston’s toilet and all hell broke loose. I would use the toilet brush if necessary. I wielded the brush just as King Arthur grabbed Excalibur for the first time. The brush became my sole weapon powerful enough to fight off the evil that lurked below if unleashed.
I said what was quite possibly the most heartfelt and meaningful prayer of my adult life as I slowly pressed down on the silver handle of justice. I stopped squinting and stared in complete awe and satisfaction as everything took the plunge down the abyss to never be seen again. Eureka! I was so happy that a smile actually came across my face. Never before had a bowel movement such as that one taken me from the heights of euphoria, down to the anticipation for war, and then back up to complete satisfaction. The only thing that now remained was the ungodly stench. I don’t care, let it linger! I just accomplished the impossible and I wanted everyone to know. I left the bathroom victorious. What a battle! This is the stuff legends are made of! This tale will be told to the grandkids when I am old, weathered and sitting around the fireplace.