Rumors of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

It has been nearly a month since I have posted any content on the website. I guess you could rename this column to the Mostly Monthly and it would be more accurate. Halo 3 and work, well mainly Halo 3, have been eating away at my free time. Nevertheless, I'm back with more content. I just posted a new Top 10 Hottest Celebrity Chicks list to kick off the festivities. On the docket are a review of the Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Jelly Beans and another sampling of fortunes written by Mr. Fortune Cookie Writer. My apologies for the MIA act in September. I'll try not to let it happen again, but just be aware that Guitar Hero III comes out on October 28. So, if I go missing again you'll know why.

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October 2007 Top 10 Hottest Celebrity Chicks

I was originally going to post a new Top 10 Hottest Celebrity Chicks list for no other reason than to pimp the glory of Yvonne Strahovski. Then I reviewed the last two lists that I have posted. Over the period of a year, the Top 10 only had three new names on it. I decided to subject my list to greater scrutiny; only four chicks from the last list made the cut this month. No, this isn't change for change's sake. This change is much needed. The list went stale and I was tired of about half of the names. New rule: no more permanent slots. They were handcuffing my list and I don't consider Kelly Preston to be in the Top 50 much less the Top 10 anymore.

I am also less forgiving about not seeing a celebrity chick since the last list. You hear that Erin Andrews? I can't find you anywhere. Gator or not, you're out until further notice. The same goes for you Rachelle Leah. I watch the UFC on Spike any time that it's on and I order all of the UFC pay per views; yet I haven't even heard your name in ages. You're gone! There's a Tampa Bay Bucs cheerleader that I considered putting on the list, but that opens up the debate of “what is a celebrity?” Such discussion is a little highbrow for Zenestex.com. Plus, only creepy cheerleader stalkers would actually know her name; I don't think I'm ready to take that step at this point in my life.

#1 Jessica Alba
Fantastic Four 2, Good Luck Chuck

I have missed two golden opportunities to see her in action. But I won't fault Jessica Alba for that; it's all part of Mrs. Zenestex's evil plan to thwart me from ever seeing a Jessica Alba movie again. She has stonewalled my every attempt at seeing Jessica Alba's last two movies: Fantastic Four 2 and Good Luck Chuck. However, eyewitness reports confirm that Jessica Alba is hotter than ever in these flicks. Someday I'll see the penguin panties. Someday.

#2 Yvonne Strahovski

Never has a chick risen so far, so fast. Two weeks ago, I had no idea who Yvonne Strahovski was. Then I watched the series premiere of Chuck and now she is number two on the Top 10 Hottest Celebrity Chicks list. She is also perilously close to knocking Jessica Alba out of the top slot that she has held for years. Yes, Yvonne has incisors the relative size of a chipmunk's. However, I can ignore the gargantuan choppers. In fact, she is so hot that the teeth actually increase her hotness. Yes, it's possible.

#3 Zhang Ziyi
House of the Flying Daggers, The Horsemen

Ziyi was in serious danger of falling out of the Top 5 until I found out that she has a new movie coming out in December (The Horsemen). I moved Ziyi up one slot simply because I watched House of the Flying Daggers on a recent plane trip and was reminded of how ridiculously hot she is. If you don't agree with me, stop reading this article, buy the DVD, check out the bathing scene, and come back when you're through. Did you watch the scene? Good! Now if you still disagree with me, then you're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

#4 Kate Beckinsale
Underworld, Click

Kate was suggested to me by a reader. When he mentioned her name I wanted to slap myself in utter shame. How could I ever have forgotten the beauty that is Kate Beckinsale? There is no reasonable excuse that I can come up with other than drugs. And since I don't do drugs, I've got nothing. I'm a fool, Kate. My apologies for you ever leaving you off the list.

#5 Grace Park
Battlestar Galactica

I still haven't seen the second half of the last Battlestar Galactica season so, again, don't spoil it for me. Even if you hate sci-fi, Battlestar Galactica is worth checking out for the great stories and watching Grace Park seduce the foolish human meatbags. Just trust me on this.

Others Receiving Votes:

Elisha Cuthbert
24, The Girl Next Door

When she's hot (Girl Next Door), she's a Top 5 contender. When she's not (her last season of 24), she's not even Top 100. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt this time around.

Jessica Biel
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

She almost knocked Grace Park out of the Top 5. It just might happen whenever I get around to watching Chuck and Larry.

Megan Fox

Any hot chick in a Transformers movie gets at least one push into the Top 10—that's also a new rule. Will she have the staying power of Jessica Alba?

Scarlett Johansson
Lost in Translation, The Island

I can't rationalize not putting her in my Top 5, but I still won't. Definitely Top 10, though.

Sarah Silverman
Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic, The Sarah Silverman Program

I'm sure that I'll take a lot of heat for putting her on this list, but she's just so cute when she makes fun of Mexicans.

Just Missed the Cut:

Jennifer Garner
Alias, 13 Going On 30

Beyoncé Knowles

Katie Holmes
Go, The Gift

Keira Knightley
King Arthur, Pirates of the Caribbean

Erica Durance
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