Zenestex
7Sep/072

A Random Sampling of Fortune Cookie Fortunes

One of my loyal readers, Security God, posted a comment on the Open Letter To Mr. Fortune Cookie Writer article earlier today. Rather than respond to it in the Comments section of that post, I will make a new Mostly Daily and respond to his post section by section. His words are in italics.

Myself and three co-workers order chinese food every Friday and the so called "fortunes" were all too good to not share with the world. Since I don't have my own blog, I choose yours. Sadly, the 7 viewers you have aren't exactly the word either, but this is the best I can do.

Actually, seven may be stretching it. My guess would be four people who check daily and maybe another four who check irregularly—perhaps weekly. Then there's the smattering of poor souls that I constantly beg to take a look. Hey, I'm trying. Advertising a blog about random musings ain't easy.

As an aside, a few co-workers and I went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch last week (Hao One) that had exemplary fortune cookie fortunes. If I remember correct, mine predicted that I would get a new car soon. Now that's a fortune done properly. Perhaps too specific, but the vagueness of “soon” makes up for it. Not only was the “In Bed” crutch unneeded, it doesn't even make sense. That is, unless my wife bought me a Hotwheels toy and gave it to me before I fell asleep one night. I wish that I had kept the rest of the fortunes we received on that glorious day. Mr. Fortune Cookie Writer deserved a demonstration of his marked improvement.

Anyhow, let's see how Mr. Fortune Cookie Writer performed with a random sampling of fortunes from Security God. I only used Mr. Fortune Cookie Writer's “In Bed” crutch where it was needed.

Without further delay, here are the fortunes that were blessed upon us..... Mine: You are broad minded and socially active. In Bed.

The “In Bed” definitely helps this one. With it, you are the Man. Period. Without, it is a purely shot in the dark by Mr. Fortune Cookie Writer that you are not, in fact, a narrow minded shut-in. Or, perhaps, you are a narrow minded shut-in who fancies himself a broad minded social butterfly. Either way, it's a pretty solid bet that most people fall into one of these two categories. Not many people are narrow minded and antisocial and admit it to themselves. I know I don't. This is not good Mr. Fortune Cookie Writer. In fact, it's a cop-out and we are none too impressed.

"The Victim": Ignorance never settles a question. In Bed.

In other words, you can never answer a question that you don't know the answer to. Thanks, Mr. Fortune Cookie Writer; this might be the worst fortune of all time. ”In Bed” does not even make any sense. I could try to stretch the “In Bed” angle, but I am not sticking up for you anymore, Mr. Fortune Cookie Writer. You are better than this.

Co-worker 3: You will be a good comfort. In Bed.

Mr. Fortune Cookie Writer, welcome back! Did you notice the future tense? Why, it's a wonderfully vague prediction. Now if you do something as simple as pet your dog, you will have fulfilled this prophecy. Well done, Mr. Fortune Cookie Writer. “In Bed” is not needed here, but still fun.

Co-worker 4: You will travel to many places. In Bed.

This is a perfect fortune. No stale advice, just a generalized prediction. Now the onus is on you, the receiver of the fortune, to wedge this ambiguous forecast into your life. How far do I have to go to travel? What is a place? Am I going to Hawaii? If I go to the bathroom more than usual today, does that count? These are the questions you now have to discuss with your friends. Do I even need to put “In Bed” after this one? No, but I will anyway. Co-worker 4, a word of advice, don't travel too far. Florida has very prudish laws. You could fulfill both versions of this fortune by travelling to Louisiana, where anything goes, and then do the “In Bed.” I'm just looking out for ya'.

Boss: You are loyal to your family.

Well Boss, I should certainly hope so. I know who the Boss is and I didn't have the stomach to put “In Bed” after this one. It's just too perverse. For shame, Mr. Fortune Cookie Writer. For shame.

I have refrained from commenting on each seeing as you have a better grasp of the eloquence of the english language then I do. Have fun with these! (don't forget to add the infamous two words to the end of each!)

The fortunes you guys received represent the entire scope of fortune cookie fortune themes. There's the predictions, which by definition, are the only good fortunes since all fortunes should be about the future. A few fortunes attempted to describe your idiosyncrasies; these are not worth the strip of paper they are printed on. And finally, there was one absurd piece of “advice” that was a mere statement of the obvious.

Overall, two out of five true fortunes is not a bad outing for the newly reformed Mr. Fortune Cookie Writer. I think Mr. Fortune Cookie Writer is confused right now and is sincerely trying to break the bad habits he has picked up over the years. Give him time, he'll be back.

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  1. Nice one! Many Kudos.

  2. Hahaha. You have far too much time on your hands to be writing about such things. And I have double the spare time considering that I diligently read them. Nevertheless, enjoyable as always.


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