R.I.P. Inky, Blinky, and Pinky

An Ecosphere is a little sealed glass container that contains live shrimp. It is a self-sustaining aquarium in that the shrimp take a dump, algae feed on sunlight and the nutrients from the dump, and finally the shrimp eat the algae. My father-in-law got me an Ecosphere as a Christmas present, which I took to work about a month ago to use as a cool desk ornament. I come back from lunch today only to find this note that one of my co-workers stuck to the front of my Ecosphere:

I am such a horrible person

The Shrimp Killer sign refers to the fact that I have killed all but one of the four shrimp that came in the Ecosphere. Clyde, the smallest of the quartet, is the sole survivor. Inky, Blinky, and Pinky were not so fortunate. The florescent light above my desk stays on 24/7. I knew this and just neglected to cover the Ecosphere before I left work each day. My guess is that the Ecosphere received too much light and the balance of algae and bacteria in aquarium was offset. So, yes, I am a ghastly, wicked, cold-blooded Shrimp Killer. At least Clyde had a few great meals. He had no qualms about eating the rotting carcasses of his fallen brethren.

A Preview

The Monster Squad

There is a small collection of movies from my childhood which I regard as sacred, must-watch material for every mouth-breathing Homo sapien in this country. These are movies that I usually recorded off of HBO and subsequently wore out the videotape by watching it 900 times, give or take a few. This collection of movies includes classics such as The Last Dragon, Princess Bride, The Goonies, and The Karate Kid. Well, part I and II anyway; I never really bought into part III. Terry Silver, the owner of a nuclear waste dumping company while also owning the Cobra Kai dojos, was just a ridiculously over-the-top villain—even for a Karate Kid movie. This guy should have been overrunning small nations and subjecting them to tyrannical dictatorships, not wasting all that evil on something as petty as fucking with Daniel-san. But I digress; these movies make up a significant part of my Top 20 of all time. What other movies are on this exclusive list? Well, that's another story for another time. This article is to celebrate the long awaited DVD release of another classic from my Top 20.

”We're the Monster Squad.”

Last week, Lionsgate Entertainment finally gave in to the desperate pleas of fans and released a 2-disc DVD widescreen version of The Monster Squad. If you are a complete loser and have never seen The Monster Squad movie, let me just warn you that I am about to spoil the hell out of it so stop reading now. Not that the plot is thick with intrigue and surprise twists; the kids beat up the monsters and save the world from the evil reign of Dracula. Big surprise. But it's not the ending, it's the journey.

The Monster Squad was released in 1987 and, looking back, it was probably my introduction to obscenities in movies. Everybody curses in this movie. The kids, the parents, the cops, hell even the five year old girl curses, “C'mon, don't be chicken shit.” Granted, none of this was anything new to a kid past the third grade—P.E. was actually the best place to learn the sweetest new curse word combos. But seeing kids on TV that were like me use them so freely and joyfully just validated the use of lovely obscenities. My parents get on my case for writing the word fuck in most of my articles. Don't blame me, dad. Don't blame yourself for not washing my mouth out with soap enough. Blame Monster Squad.

The story focuses on a group of kids who are obsessed with anything dealing with monsters. They are led by Sean (Andre Gower), the main protagonist of the story, whose head is incredibly large in relation to the rest of his body. He is a living, breathing bobble-head doll and might have passed for a monster himself. Sean is given the diary of Van Helsing as a present from his mother. Unfortunately for Sean, the diary is written in German, so the monster club has to employ the services of the Scary German Guy (Leonardo Cimino) to translate the diary. Meanwhile, Dracula is busying himself stealing the carcass of Frankenstein, taming Wolfman, and gathering some other scrub monsters like Gill-Man and the Mummy.

The diary reveals that every 100 years a battle between good and evil occurs. If evil wins the balance of power, then apparently Dracula and his minions will rule the world. And to make matters worse, the 100 year anniversary of the last battle is the very next day! Dracula really desires this diary, which contains the text needed to unlock the power of the amulet that holds the balance between good and evil. Dracula attempts to get this diary from Sean by calling up his parents under an assumed name and offering “$$$” for it. Sean, who likes to stay up late at night making anagrams out of phone messages, foils this plot by discovering that Alucard is actually Dracula spelled backwards. Sean, now wise that Dracula is after him, mobilizes the monster club into the asskicking force that is the Monster Squad. Dracula, on the other hand, decides to send the loveable Frankenstein to kill Sean and retrieve the diary. Frankenstein then proceeds to make friends with the kids and is taught late 80's slang like “Bogus.”

The Monster Squad splits up with two of the guys seeking out a virgin and the other three invading Dracula's stronghold to steal the amulet. It is here that one of the greatest scenes in cinematic history occurs:

”Raaaaaaarrrr!”

Sean: "Kick him in the nards!"

Fat Kid: "He doesn't have nards!"

Sean: "Do it! Do it!"

Fat kid kicks Wolfman in the nards

Fat Kid: "Wolfman's got nards!"

The group of three kids proceeds to stumble their way to the amulet, scorch Dracula with garlic pizza, and make their way out of the dungeon. The diary claims that it needs a virgin to say the magic words that will open up the portal that will suck up the monsters. A kid from the other group decides to ask his older sister to do the reading since she knows German. When the two groups meet up and head to a church to open the portal, the older sister reads the incantation after which nothing happens. The Monster Squad discovers that the older sister lied and is not a virgin. They come to the realization that the five year old girl, Phoebe, is a virgin and have her parrot the words that the Scary German Guy reads.

It would be another year or two from when I first saw this movie back in 1987 before I would learn what being a virgin meant. My initial reaction to learning the true definition of virgin was “Ooooooh, now The Monster Squad makes way more sense!” Up until that point, I believed that virgin meant brunette. My parents may or may not have led me to believe this—my memory is a bit fuzzy on how I came to the virgin equals brunette conclusion.

The special effects in Monster Squad definitely have not stood the test of time. Dracula transforms from a bat to his human form in a mere three step process: Bat, Man-Bat (more bat than man, unlike Batman who is more man than bat), Dracula. The same can be said for Wolfman whose transformation from man to werewolf does not fare much better.

Dracula is a bat

Dracula is a man-bat

Dracula is Dracula

Frankenstein looks relatively passable, but Gill-Man looks like a cheesy villain from the Power Rangers. They could have easily removed Gill-Man from the movie entirely and I think the film would have been better for it. He adds nothing to the plot; he looks stupid, he's weak and has no powers other than breathing underwater, which he never uses to his advantage. Fat-Kid kills the dude with one freakin' blast from a shotgun—ONE! Even the Wretches from Gears of War can take more damage than Gill-Man.

Gill-Man: Weakest monster ever.

Outside of the special effects, the Monster Squad has aged very well; much better than most other 80's classics. Sure, I love the movie for more nostalgic reasons than anything else, but even if the movie was released today I would still find it an enjoyable way to spend 900 evenings. If you are one of the few people alive that have never seen the Monster Squad, then at least rent it. If you have seen it before, then you know what a classic this movie is—go out and buy it already!

Blasé Blasé

On tap for the next week: First and foremost, finish the review of Monster Squad. The review has been complete for a few days now, but I refuse to post it until I can figure out how to do DVD screenshots. I will also have a few posts about the anime convention that we went to today. "The Victim" and "The Friend" from Operation Superchicken came along to do a video podcast where they interview cosplayers (people at the convention dressed like anime characters). They did a fantastic job with the interviews from what I saw. Hilarious footage! Finally, my sister-in-law's fiancé had his first experience with drunkedness last night and I was there to take pictures and videos. I hope to have an article covering the pictures and video highlights sometime this week. Again, hilarious footage here that just makes me glad that there were no cameras around when I got drunk for the first time.

For those wondering what Blasé Blasé means, UrbanDictionary.com says it's "Used as a more stylish or educated way of saying Blah-Blah-Blah, but fails to sound stylish and educated with people who have actually been to school." Now you know.

Sphincter Mouse of the Week

Any one of Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, et al was just as likely to end up as this week's Sphincter Mouse. I hate them all. My loathing of these overexposed hacks does not even begin to compare with the amount of hatred I have for idiots like Michael Vick. However, I have to pick one Sphincter Mouse a week and no one else really did anything this week that I found all that appalling. Sure there was the usual assortment of disgusting crimes and douches doing douchey things, but nothing out of the ordinary. I had my eye on the Alaska Senator Ted Stevens, since the FBI raided his house, but so far that has been nothing but some sleazy real estate deals. Ultimately, I just picked the first name that popped into my head when I think of a Sphincter Mouse other than Michael Vick, which was Britney Spears. Britney was the choice from the list of drugged-up, rich, celebrity, club-tramps because it wasn't too long ago that I actually liked her (she was close to Top 10 material) and was one of the few guys who actually found her music tolerable. Sure it was girly, heartless, prefabricated horseshit, but the same can be said about the merchandise at IKEA, and I kinda like shopping there.

Since she ditched that wannabe, Kevin Federline, Britney has turned into a complete sideshow act to the music industry; worthless to anyone but tabloid writers looking to fill space on empty pages—or internet writers in desperate need of a Sphincter Mouse. Let's examine her meltdown over the past year. In November 2006, she flashed her grotesque crotch to photographers while hanging out with that useless skank Paris Hilton. Since then, Spears has checked into a drug rehab facility and left after only a day, flashed photographers, tried to obliterate a photographer's car with an umbrella, flashed some more photographers, drove with her baby on her lap, flashed even more photographers, and then tried to get her one-year old baby's teeth cosmetically whitened.

Britney Spears moments before the flash.

Lynne Spears, Britney's gravy-training mother claims, “It's sad that the whole world had to watch her make mistakes that all of us have made at one time or another.” Well Britney's mom, you're almost right. I have had the misfortune of hearing about every single fuck-up your daughter has had since she was 16 years old ad nauseum. And, yes, it does make me sad to think that all that time hearing about said fuck-ups probably adds up to four hours of my life that I'll never get back. But you're wrong about the mistakes we have all made part. I have never made any of the mistakes your pampered little millionaire daughter has. Britney was “finding” herself? What kind of stupid alibi is that? How is flashing the world in a drunken tirade “finding” yourself? The only thing Britney Spears has "found" is that she is an alcoholic has-been and a completely incompetent mother. Perhaps instead of making excuses for your screwed up daughter, you should act like a parent and give Britney some guidance instead of merely leeching off her washed up career. Frankly, I don't care what happens to Britney Spears or her mother just as long as they both disappear from my TV, magazines, and internet. Of course, writing this Mostly Daily does nothing but perpetuate the problem. If you can't beat them …