Zenestex
23Aug/075

Mmmm … Scorpion

At the Ghost Town Museum in Colorado Springs, Colorado, I saw a candy that I absolutely could not resist reviewing: Scorpion Brittle. This candy is produced by Hotlix, a company that specializes in making insect candy like chocolate covered ants, candied butterflies, and barbeque flavored larvae. Scorpion Brittle has a real de-stingered scorpion trapped in candied tomb that is designed to look like a scorpion trapped in amber.


Scorpion Brittle in the package

I have always been fascinated with eating insects—the worm in tequila, chocolate covered crickets, contestants eating live bugs on Fear Factor, etc. What could insects possibly taste like? Am I missing out on something that is actually quite tasty? I have just never been able to work up the nerve to actually eat one until today. Well, that's not entirely true. When I was in 6th grade, I scorched a fire ant with a magnifying glass and ate it; the taste was similar to peppermint if I remember right. But that thing was so small that I don't count it.

I bought the Scorpion Brittle with the intention of eating it someday when I had nothing to write about, but the events of this day made me want nothing more than to incur my wrath upon the insect world. During a hike up a mountain today, we were nearing the top of the trail when my roommate looked up at about a 25 foot wall of rock and said, “I'd rather go up that way!” Loving a challenge, I looked at the rock and decided that this was indeed a good idea. My dumb ass proceeded to climb to the top wearing shorts, sandals, and using my bare hands.


My dumb ass climbing to the top of a mountain, totally unprepared for what awaits me at the top

The top of this ledge was not very wide, maybe 3 feet, and it was very gravely; I slipped all over the place with each step. The ledge I was on was about 30 yards long before it widened into a small forest at the summit of the mountain. I attempted to walk off the ledge and into the woods, hoping that I could walk through the trees and catch the end of the hiking trail to meet my wife and roommate. As I worked my way to the trees, my main fear was an attack by a bear—if there was ever an area where a bear would hang out, this was it. My thoughts were consumed with debate: If a bear jumps out from these trees should I let it maul me or should I jump off this ledge to my death? Choices.

As it turns out, a bear was the least of my worries. When I finally reached the trees, I met my new nemesis in life: Biting flies. The mere existence of biting flies has convinced me that there is no God. Or if there is, he (she?) really enjoys fucking with us. I was attacked by a horde of these little bastards. They swarmed me biting my legs, arms, and neck. I had to walk away very carefully from the trees and back out to the ledge as they feasted on any part of my body not covered by clothing. I thought for sure I was going to slip off the ledge and die a really stupid death, but I was able to keep my footing. Finally, I reached an area of the ledge that had enough of a slope where I could climb, or slip, down.

About halfway down the slope, one of the flies bit the hell out of my arm. I slapped it with all my might and saw a nice blood splat on my arm. “Aha! I got the little fucker!” I exclaimed, reveling in my victory. However, I looked at the hand that I used to swat the bug with and noticed blood all over it. The rocks I was gripping for dear life also happened to be razor sharp and left little cuts all over my hands as I climbed down to the hiking trail. Once I reached the trail, I made a run for it to escape the swarm of biting flies and caught up with my wife and roommate. The flies were biting all of us and we decided to get the hell off this godforsaken mountain.

After having a few beers later that night, I decided to go ahead and eat the scorpion candy. As much flesh as those flies ripped from me, I figured it was only fair to down one of their kind. I opened the Scorpion Brittle package, momentarily deliberated the wisdom of this review, and stuck the candy in my mouth. The candy itself tasted exactly like Buttered Popcorn Jelly Belly jelly beans—my favorite flavor. I was thoroughly enjoying sucking on the candy shell when I finally reached a part of the scorpion carcass. The taste of the scorpion was peculiar; it resembled the taste of the candy shell dipped in gin.

I thought about eating the scorpion as I sucked my through the candy, but that is so anticlimactic. For the sake of this review, I endured the gin scorpion flavor and sucked as much candy around it as I could endure so that I could eat the scorpion in one bite. After an hour of sucking around the scorpion, enough of it was exposed where I could take a bite.


The scorpion after an hour of suckage

Another view of the scorpion before I took a bite

I worked up a few ounces of courage, popped open a soda to wash it down, and chomped the scorpion down in a bite. I looked at the candy and was somewhat surprised the whole thing made it into my mouth; I expected the claws to still be stuck in the candy. It took about a minute of chewing before I was comfortable enough to swallow the creature.


I look, I bite, I chew, and chew, and chew

The taste of the scorpion was like a mix of the buttered popcorn flavored candy shell and Ivory soap. Not bad, but nothing that I care to ever do again. The worst part was after I swallowed the scorpion and discovered bits of it still stuck in my teeth. Those leftover scorpion bits tasted absolutely terrible. I needed some mouthwash to finally get that taste out of my mouth. Overall, the Scorpion Brittle isn't horrible; it's probably a better experience if you eat the scorpion as you suck down the candy—not all at once. You see biting fly: I can play this game, too.

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  1. I can not believe you did that crap. What do you think this is, FEAR FACTOR? You didn't even get any money doing it. Oh my GOD!!!

  2. I guess you have inherited some of my genes…….(the field goal kicker)

  3. Hahaha. That is quite disgusting. I had my fair share of ivory soap (and good ole' irish spring!) in my time. Mine never came with a tail, though.

  4. Hmmm, guess there is a pair of b@!!$ down there. Granted, I wouldn't have done that.

  5. I am so glad that I am not the only CRAZY in this Cooper Fam ,,,/ {-_-} Glad to have a double to carry the monkey LOL Tio Jimmy


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