The UGOOMH (Unidentified Glimmering Object On My Head)

I was looking in the mirror and styling my buzz cut yesterday morning when I noticed a strange glint of light emanate from my dome. Curious, I turned my head in all directions in an attempt to reproduce the phenomenon. With my head turned to the right and tilted slightly up, I saw the brilliant sparkle of light once again and pinpointed its origin to my left upper sideburn. I asked myself, "What in the hell would cause that?"

I flicked my fingers through my sideburn thinking that maybe a piece of tinsel had gotten lodged in my hair even though Christmas had long since past and we don't use tinsel. I flicked my sideburns for a few more moments until I saw the light sparkle once more and realized it was a hair that was causing the flashing display. I quickly dismissed the hair as a stray blond hair since I was blond until I was about 2 or 3 years old. Maybe I was going back to blond. Sweet!

But the hair still held me transfixed with curiosity. Why is it there? Has it always been there? Should I pull it? What if I am driving along the Lee Roy Selmon Expressway one day and my hair reflects off the morning sun into some poor soul's eyes blinding him and causing him to careen into the never-ending wall of construction and delay everyone's morning commute for over an hour? No, this hair must be pulled. If only for the safety of my fellow man.

I attempted, without much success, to grab the hair between my pointer finger and my thumb and give it a tug. I took a closer look. "That is the lightest blond hair I have ever seen," I thought. I put my face as close to the mirror as I could without leaving a greasy imprint of the left side of my face. I peered even closer at the peculiarity and marveled at its strangeness for a bit longer. And then it dawned on me. I knew exactly what this twinkling thread of hair actually was. My whole life came to a crashing halt and the life that I had lived up to that very point flashed before my eyes.

Holy shit, I have a gray hair.

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  1. So, I can empathize now. And for the record, empathy sucks. Empathy just means that I’ve been through the same kind of crap that you complained about.

    Yep, this morning – gray hair. Not just a gray hair. A silvery, glistening, three-inch-long gray hair amidst my brunette head. Lovely. Now, in the past, I found a few questionable, light blond hairs and feared they were gray. I showed them to Bobby and he quickly dismissed each. He said, “when you get a gray hair, there won’t be any mistaking it.” Well, no crap! Not that I didn’t feel old enough already; let’s add some gray hair into the mix.

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